More Thoughts On Care

Last October I wrote about care, and an occasion that my rather wonderful sub of the time had showed care in precisely the way I needed, and how her instinct to care was so perfect.

I wanted to show how capable she was of care by contrasting it with a time when a sub of mine showed how little she cared.

Me 4.10pm: I’m just feeling a bit sad, that’s all. You know me. I’ll snap out of it soon enough.
Her 4.11pm: Well I’m tired and hungover so this isn’t a good dynamic. I’m afraid I’ll have to leave you to it.

The lack of care in these messages is palpable. I’d expressed sadness, and was told to go and deal with it myself. As red flags go, that’s a pretty big one!

The thing that struck me most was that she didn’t even bother to fake it. It would’ve been a quicker message to write “Oh no, that’s awful. I’m here for you.” She had taken the longer path to say “So what?

There were things I should’ve taken from that message that I didn’t. In my need to care, I took it as her cry for help, that she was feeling so low she needed me. In truth that may have been the best thing she could’ve done for me in that moment. But I don’t think she was doing it deliberately (although I’d love to be wrong).

In hindsight, I think the thing I should’ve taken from that message was “I don’t care about you.

I keep that lesson with me in more recent relationships. If I feel I need my sub to show care in a way she isn’t at the moment, I simply say so. I always strive to ensure I say so in a constructive way, and hope that it is seen as such, though we all fail in our goals sometimes.

The real lesson is, if they don’t care anymore, don’t be angry or blameful, it’s just, as I’ve said before, that you failed to keep their interest and attention. Recognise it and try to move on, retaining if they will allow, a positive friendship.


Some might be angry at me posting this text exchange. But in truth, she’s wouldn’t be angry, just embarrassed at the exposure of her lack of care. The puncturing of her superficial image. I’ve not posted it for this reason, but to illustrate the difference between this girl, and the sub who supported me so perfectly last October.

© Charles Rochester 2016

Advertisements

Thoughts On “Fake”

Fake subs, Fake Doms…

I know, how judgemental am I? How conceited to even mention them, right? Who am I to judge who’s real and who’s fake?

In different situations we all moderate our behaviour to some degree. I act differently with patients than with my family and friends. We all compartmentalise and allow different people to see different sides to us.

Fundamentally I believe I stay the same person. Unless you are motivated to see something that isn’t there, then anyone I’ve spoken to on here or twitter, either TL or DM will know the same me I’ve been since before I started this blog. They will know what’s going on in my kink life, whether I’m in good spirits or poor, crucially whether I have a sub or not (though not necessarily who she is). Knowing those things mean I’m being respectful to the person I’m talking to and to my sub (if I have one). I’m not wasting anyone’s time if I’m unavailable and I’m not undermining my connection.

But different aspects of me come to the fore in those different environments. I may not tell everyone on twitter everything about me, just as I don’t tell all my patients everything about me. I’m discreet about certain parts of me with family and patients – hence my online anonymity. What I never do is masquerade as something I’m not.

Twitter is heavy with people pretending to be something they’re not. From a D/s point of view, it’s a rich hunting ground for Tops and Bottoms who want some rough sex, but can’t be bothered with all the actual Dominance and submission that – for me – makes it the fulfilling dynamic.

For ‘real’ Doms and subs, the physical side of the dynamic is merely one very intense expression of the relationship. The Dominance and submission doesn’t wane just because you’re out of the bedroom (or the kitchen, the car…). If anything, the desire exists to draw each other closer in the absence of physical presence.

None of this means that a sub is going to be submissive outside her bond (that would be as much a problem as it would be peculiar). Just as a Dominant isn’t going into work everyday and being “Domly” to everyone he meets. But it does mean that a submissive will never be fulfilled by being a Bottom to someone’s Top, and a Dominant won’t be satisfied by a Bottom, either.

For ‘fake’ Doms and subs, the physical is the thing. Giving yourself to be used or using someone for that act of gratification. This might appear to some to be about submission, or portrayed by a predator that way to gain a sub’s interest, but it is the superficial submission of the body to be used to please another (or two or three others at once), not submission in a D/s sense. A sub will feel used, not fulfilled by it. She will not float, but sink.

There is of course absolutely nothing wrong with being a Top or a Bottom and getting honest fulfilment from your counterpart in that way. Good on you for recognising your needs and seeking out someone with complementary needs. That’s what all the honest people want. My concern is when the desire is wrapped in the mask of D/s and the person being seduced believes you are something you’re not – believes they are getting a Dom or a sub, or believes they are being offered a submission experience.

That’s fakery. You’re faking that you’re one thing to get what you want, with no intention of delivering your side of the D/s ‘bargain’. Needs change, too, as journeys progress. You might find yourself in a relationship with a Dom or a sub, and find that really, you’re a Top or a Bottom and the rest of the D/s is a bit of a chore. This is the time for that all important communication.

Pretending you’re something you’re not to get laid the way you want is not just fakery, it’s abuse. It’s predatory. And ultimately unfulfilling for everyone. Be honest about who you are and your needs, and everyone – including you – will be happier.

D/s? great. All about the fucks without the care and protection? Great. Just don’t pretend you’re one when you’re the other.

Was this post judgemental. Yes. The truth is we all can be judgemental from time to time, and the people we are judgemental about are those who portray themselves as sharing our own kink, when we can see they don’t.


© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On “Difficult”

Some time ago I read an article on Kosher food. I was fascinated by the author’s reason for keeping Kosher:

Because it’s difficult. You have to think about it so you don’t mistakes. It takes effort. It’s not what you’re doing that’s important, it’s the effort that means something.

I’m paraphrasing from memory, but I rather admired his honesty when it came to the original reasons for Kosher, that they’d become obsolete centuries ago. Keeping kosher was nothing but an act of devotion to his God, something that he did which may seem pointless but he imagined his God had a reason, even if he didn’t understand it, and it would please him. So doing it was fulfilling for him.

I’m not religious, but I suspect that underlying reasoning will sound familiar to many in D/s.

It’s a Daily Task.

As a sub, doing a task when it’s easy is, well, easy. Doing it when it’s difficult, that takes much more. Finding the time, making the effort when others wouldn’t, trusting there is a reason even when it hasn’t been explained, is an act of devotion by a submissive for her Dominant. A demonstration that she trusts him to guide her, trusts his judgement, and will always go that extra bit that no one else would to please him.

While it’s vital a Dom shouldn’t overburden his sub with demands – particularly when she’s busy – small, quick and simple tasks, like incidental photographs, help to maintain their connection and help her to show care and thought of him. That he’s important to her. That’s important to him.

Being an attentive Dominant isn’t easy, either. It’s a huge commitment of time, understanding and care. There are those I know who do it very well, nevertheless. They don’t achieve this because it’s easy or shirk away from it because their work or other aspects of their lives get in the way. They find a way, and they do because if it was easy, it wouldn’t be as fulfilling. If they stopped just because they were busy at work, it wouldn’t show a great deal of care, and it would show their sub how important she is to them: not very!

There’s always time in the day for a call and response, and in that phrase that goes around in memes on twitter:

You always find time for the things you care about.
If it’s important, it’s never too difficult

Mutual fulfilment is what D/s is at its core. If you can’t find a moment in time for quick simple tasks, what are you doing? Whatever is happening in your work or your life… There’s always a minute to show you care.


*incidentally, there is one good reason for ordering kosher food: it’s always better on an aeroplane than the regular stuff if you’re unfortunate enough to be in economy class.


© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On Loyalty

Honesty is essential in D/s. Honesty means you tell the truth, hopefully because you know it’s the right thing to do, but certainly when you’re asked a direct question. Honesty doesn’t hide a painful truth.

When your other expresses a concern about someone or something, honesty means you face that concern with the truth of the situation, not try to prevaricate or conceal or turn the concern into an argument about something else, real or straw man.

But it’s not enough. What’s just as important is Loyalty. Loyalty means that the truth you tell won’t hurt your other. Loyalty means your behaviour doesn’t raise the concern in the first place.

If you’re loyal to your sub or Dom, then you behave in a way you know they wouldn’t object if they were watching. Loyalty means they’d be proud of you.

Loyalty means you don’t have to make excuses, you don’t erode your bond, you don’t have to apologise, you don’t have to pretend you didn’t know what you were doing was wrong when you get caught out. Loyalty means you don’t let your other down.

The behaviour of a sub reflects on her Dom and vice versa. In an exclusive bond, it’s important to ensure that you make each other proud, that you don’t allow the disrespect of others to continue. If you’re loyal then when someone tries to engage your sexual interest, you don’t allow it, unless your bond allows it. You don’t encourage it, and you don’t allow anyone to seduce you away from your bond with their attention.

But mostly your behaviour reflects on you. However much you might rage at another person for something, if your behaviour shows that you were disloyal, disrespectful and encouraged those who disrespected your relationship, that reflects on you.

A loyal other will always forgive, strive to rebuild that bond however weakened it’s become, because a good relationship is a good relationship, it just sometimes needs a little evolving, tweaking. Loyalty means you try, you run to your other when there are problems, not run from them increasing the space, increasing the erosion.

Ultimately, loyalty is about truth. If your connection has weakened, for whatever reason, the final disloyalty is to continue whatever is harming it (because you’ve chosen to) while trying to blame those who have strived to strengthen it, believing that’s what you want instead.

Cheap trivial attention (which is how it always starts) shouldn’t seduce a loyal sub from her Dom. Unless she’s not really a sub, and just another twitter attention seeker.

img_1196


© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On Lessons From Experience

It’s important to learn the lessons of experience. No experience is truly bad unless there is no lesson you can learn from it. Learning that lesson will make things better in the future, next time.

But it’s not just about yourself. It’s good to learn lessons not just as they apply to others and what you need from them, but about how you treat other people. If something has bothered you in the past, it’s a fair bet that it’ll bother someone else if you do it.

Some time ago I gave a second chance to a girl who had let go of me to be involved with someone else. Someone she would later tell me she would “regret for the rest of her life” (for many reasons, and if you think I’m being indiscreet, remember I haven’t told you the reasons!).

In truth it was a challenge for me, too. Despite drawing a line under it to give her a second chance after the way I’d been betrayed, that relationship cast a long shadow over us that reared its head in practical ways for several months.

I’d felt safe giving that second chance because I believed she’d learned lessons from the mistake. Sadly, she wasn’t able to learn some of the lessons of it, which eventually became very damaging.

One was to trust me. It had taken her six weeks to discover that what I’d warned her at the start of her involvement with him had been right. She’d needed to learn it for herself, so it was a valuable experience in that sense. But she forgot that my judgement was good, and I could be trusted to act in her best interests even when she couldn’t see my reasons.

Another time, she told me her feelings about something he had done and contrasted it with how I had acted in a similar situation.

She had a problem with someone that I chatted to on the twitter TL. She thought a girl was trying to come between us, wanted me for herself and so, naturally, disliked her. I can’t remember who it was although I remember I couldn’t see the problem – I didn’t think this other girl was trying to come between us. But as soon as she told me her concern, they were gone. No questions. Her feelings and her comfort were paramount. By contrast she’d said to him…

You have interest in people I wouldn’t give the time of day to and in particular people you know have directly hurt me. It’s perplexing but it’s your right.

Just doesn’t really demonstrate any respect or care in my view. [sub account x] and [sub account y] are dangerous & spiteful. But you value their interaction. More than my feelings it would seem.

She was that upset about just twitter timeline chat.

After about five months of her second chance she couldn’t see how I felt the same about a friendship she developed that was much more than just timeline chat, with someone who quite certainly was trying to come between us and did want her for himself. She couldn’t see how it didn’t demonstrate respect or care to allow him to stay around, or how it seemed she valued that interaction more than my feelings. But that was, in her words, how I felt about her friendship with him, and for the very same reason.

I had done such a good job of healing her, that she hadn’t remembered how hurtful, disrespectful and uncaring it is to be friends with someone in that way, even encouraging his attentions and defending him when I expressed my hurt.

Despite that, I’m not in the business of telling a sub who she can and can’t be friends with. So I had offered the occasional olive branch to him, and in the face of his hostility we made some progress.

I’d made that effort to overcome his attitude toward me specifically because I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable being friends with someone at such odds with me.

My effort, my bridge building. Against his considerable resistance and my own preference. For her to feel comfortable about something she objected to when she’d been on the receiving end.

I believe it is important not to try to control who your sub can be friends with, or manipulate her into not being friends with him. A sub has a right to be friends with whoever she likes. But there is a corresponding responsibility of loyalty to each other and the bond to ensure that friendships don’t harm the connection between Dom and sub.

Neither should put another ahead of each other.

Learn from your history, or you condemn yourself to repeat it. Worse, you might inflict the same lack of respect and care that upset you so much before.

But in case you think I’m saying “She had only herself to blame“, in truth, I learned an important lesson during those weeks, too. And like her I promptly forgot it because she was more important to me than a silly personal rule that would’ve prevented me giving her that second chance. I even blogged about it last August.

But lessons learned, lessons forgotten, nothing is truly bad unless there’s nothing to learn from it at all.

What’s important when there’s a lesson to learn is to be humble when someone who cares for your happiness has the temerity to show you the lesson. Remember their concern comes from somewhere positive. They’re not bullying, you shouldn’t hate them just because they have the audacity to be right, and to not let you off the hook.


© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On Rights, Responsibilities And Privileges In D/s

In my early explorations of BDSM, I read a blog on submissive rights. In the comments section a man who claimed to be a Dominant declared that his sub – his slave – had one right and one only: The Right To Leave. I have no idea if he was just another online fantasist, we know they’re there! I hope he was, but I don’t doubt there are pairs out there who have that arrangement.

But even at that early stage in my journey that concept felt jarring. It set me thinking about not only the rights of submissives, but those of Dominants and the responsibilities that come with them, and ultimately the privileges that allows.

Assumptions

In writing this article, I am, as always, writing from my perspective, my instinct. But I’m also making a bunch of assumptions: Principally that Dominants care about their subs, want the best for them, that they cherish and nurture them. That they put their subs first. That they’re not users or abusers.

There are many different arrangements in D/s from online only, to bedroom only, to 24/7, up to TPE/master/slave. I believe they all share a baseline for mutual respect in an exclusive D/s relationship.

Being entirely judgemental, I believe that without these fundamental rights, responsibilities and privileges, then users and abusers they are.

Of course, any union may have negotiated or evolved many more rights, responsibilities and privileges as you’d expect.

Rights

Health And Wellbeing

In any trusted exchange of power there is a risk attached. Submissives privilege Dominants with a high degree of vulnerability, and trust us not to abuse that position.

The physical vulnerabilities are clearer and easier to define: they’re the limits and consents that exist, that have been negotiated directly, or that have been understood by putting in the time to understand. But even they have judgement calls within: Yes, you can spank, scratch, pull and bite. But precisely how hard is too hard?

Importantly, it’s not just the physical vulnerability of being bound, gagged and helpless in a way that enables a Dominant to do whatever he pleases, including abuse that vulnerability. There are emotional, psychological and social vulnerabilities, too.

Emotionally a sub (and a Dom) have a right not to have their emotions used to manipulate them. This is no different to any relationship in and out of bdsm, of course. An imbalance in emotional attachment must be recognised and both must keep an awareness of it, particularly during dispute or negotiation. Otherwise there’s a risk the threat of withdrawal might be used as leverage: “I’ll leave you unless…” As with so much, the responsibility for this awareness and management lays in the hands of the Dominant. Worse still is the phrase “If you were a proper sub you would…”. This is simple manipulation. It lacks any consideration. I’d go so far as to say any time a sub hears that phrase, she should get dressed, leave and not return.

It’s the psychological vulnerabilities that make aftercare so important. A sub has an absolute right to expect care, support and expressions of appreciation for her, for her submission. For gratitude. To be told how much she pleased her Dom. That she’s his good girl. It’s in that praise that many subs find their fulfilment. She has a right to receive proper care throughout her period of subdrop, a right to expect her Dom to check on her regularly, ensuring he is doing all he can to minimise her drop and reassure her.

Social wellbeing is crucial, too. A sub has a right to the privacy that we all value in kink, a discretion that avoids the social harm of exposure within their family, work and social groups, and the judgement and reputational harm that might result. This right doesn’t expire at the end of a relationship. It’s an enduring right that covers any and all aspects of the relationship during and after.

Right To Respect

A sub has a right to expect her limits and her person to be respected by her Dom. Sub, little or slave, she is giving herself to her Dom with trust. He mustn’t betray that trust.

Right Of Self Expression and Choice

If a sub cannot develop and explore her changing submission and desires then she will become unfulfilled. A sub must know that she has a safe space with her Dom to discuss, explore and develop those desires.

This needn’t mean that a Dom should put his own feelings and instincts aside and pursue his sub’s every whim – he has choice, too – but that he must listen and understand before deciding.

That right to growth, to a voice, to be heard, extends into every aspect of the relationship. A right to add and amend limits, to broaden or narrow consents, to express her feelings about any and all things. Her Dom is her guide and mentor, too, after all. The right to not express her desires is part and parcel of this voice. If she doesn’t wish to share just yet, then she mustn’t feel obliged, although the reasons behind the responsibility to communicate have to be considered.

Rights give a sub protection from her Dom. Whenever there is an exchange of power, whether it’s business and customer, government and citizens, or Dominant and submissive, the one without the power has the bulk of the rights.

For Her Dom To Act In Her Best Interests

A sub must never be given cause to doubt that her Dom has her best interests first and foremost.

Her Dom will believe he is the best person to protect, care for and guide her, or he ought to let her find someone better suited. She has a right to know that even when that protection might appear to be self-interested, acting in her interest to protect their bond is the goal.

For instance, there will be times when it appears he is being selfish, possessive or jealous. At those times and others, a sub must have confidence that even if she doesn’t have the information he has, or can’t see the problem he sees, he is acting to protect their bond.

There will be times when discipline is required. Again, at those times it’s crucial that she understands he is disciplining her because she has acted against her best interests, and trusts him to see that bigger picture.


Responsibilities

The reason I wrote about rights first is because without ensuring those rights as a minimum set, a Dominant cannot meet one of his primary responsibilities: Protection for his sub – even from himself.

The bulk of responsibility of course, rests on the shoulders of the one with power, the Dominant. That doesn’t mean he necessarily has more responsibilities within the relationship, but that he must take responsibility within the relationship. When communication fails, or when he and his sub are not seeing eye-to-eye, when it is “six of one and half a dozen of the other”, when they can’t agree, he must accept responsibility to put things right. That doesn’t mean he has to accept blame for the situation, or apologise, but that it is his task to guide, to repair and to find a way forward.

With the best of intentions it’s impossible to get it right all the time. But if a Dom or a sub don’t strive to meet their responsibilities to each other, learning from the times that they fall short, then there is a lack of care at the centre of the relationship. I’d feel that is a red flag for both.

Happiness

Happiness is the outcome of fulfilment. Fulfilment is the goal of any relationship, kink or otherwise. There’s also the recognition that some people aren’t capable of happiness, or aren’t happy unless they’re angry or have something to moan about (we all know someone like that!) There’s no problem with that route to fulfilment, or course, so long as you’re both comfortable with it.

How you take responsibility for each other’s fulfilment and happiness is between the two of you, but I’d advocate that as a minimum it should include ensuring the other responsibilities to each other are met…

To Have A Care For Feelings

The emotions and responses in D/s are intense for both sub and Dom, there will be days when either might need to hear a kind word or reassurance. It’s natural that they will turn to the person who’s words mean most to them. This most basic care takes only a moment and means so much.

To Be Cared For

The ways that you show care for each other will be unique to you. It’s shown in many changing ways every day. Care rarely shown, or shown in ways you can’t see, amounts to none at all. Often it’s the ways you show care and the recognition of how it’s shown by your partner and how they need it to be shown that are the foundation of success.

Good Conduct

What constitutes good conduct is, of course, something that is unique to each couple. But that good conduct is a vital element to a relationship. Breaching it leads to hurt. Behaving in a way that reflects badly on your Dom or sub, or suggests that they or your connection don’t deserve your consideration, is potentially fatal to a bond.

Whereas behaving with others outside the relationship in a manner that is respectful to the bond, that reflects well on each other, strengthens a bond. Behaving in a manner that your sub or Dom would be proud to see builds trust in their absence, and boosts your own self-esteem. To know that your manner, behaviour would make your sub or Dom proud, makes you proud of yourself. To do otherwise risks feeling that you’re letting them down.

To Communicate

Communication is crucial to any relationship. The challenge is to maintain it at the very times that the temptation is to clam up, run or argue. When problems arise, however difficult it is to talk about them, it’ll be harder by far to resolve them if you’re unable to talk freely.

This requires both of you to ensure there is a safe space to talk, a place without judgement, that when there is hurt or misunderstanding, you run to each other, not away.

Honesty

Honesty is vital, without it no other communication can be relied upon to be based on truth. Dishonesty – even when it is a well intentioned white lie – only serves to draw into question everything else that is said. It is always ultimately more harmful than the truth it was intended to disguise.

Dishonesty is also insulting, suggesting that your partner is too stupid or blind to eventually learn the truth.

Other People and “Teaming”

Friends and family outside the partnership are important, and both people have a right to be friends with who they wish, neither have a right to tell the other they cannot be friends with someone. But that must be balanced by the responsibility to ensure they are not maintaining friendships that are harmful to their bond.

If someone outside their bond has created frictions, then both Dom and sub should have a care for how the other may feel about continuing that friendship. For a Dom to maintain friendships that unsettle his sub, makes her feel unsafe or uncomfortable can only be harmful. For a sub to maintain friendships that upset or displease her Dom should be no less a cause for concern.
Such friendships, not toxic in themselves or necessarily with toxic people, may be toxic to the bond. Who is more important. The Dom/sub, or the friend. Ultimatums shouldn’t be issued, but shouldn’t need to be. If either were to pursue such friendships, the other should consider if the bond is important after all.

Both of you should be able to rely on the other to strive to understand and (for want of a much less childish term) take each other’s side when one of you is unhappy or has concerns about a third party. I, for instance, have ceased friendships because I know they were with people my sub mistrusted or disliked. She didn’t ask me to, she didn’t have to. We are a team, and our bond should be more important. Others shouldn’t even come close.

The sense of betrayal when a sub or Dom takes the side of someone outside the relationship can be very harmful to trust and he bond between you.

To Nurture And Build Trust And The Bond

People talk of trust being a bubble. One prick and it’s gone. When it bursts, that’s it.

But it’s also like a well. You can draw water from the well over and over, relying on that trust to be there. But why would you force that? Because eventually you’ll empty the well, it’ll run dry. You have to keep filling the well, too. Not because there is mistrust, but to prevent any question of mistrust arising – keeping that well of trust sparkling and fresh. This is nurturing trust and the bond. How you do that is dependent on circumstances, of course, not only of your relationship but of the specific situation.

You will know each other well enough (and better each day) to know how to keep that well topped up, how not to necessarily drain it.


Privileges

How you privilege each other depends entirely on you. But there must be privileges, or there’s nothing special between you.

There are the sacred acts of submission, but what they are for you depends on what fulfils you and what you keep just for each other: tasks, the administration of correction and discipline, sexual engagement (unless agreed beforehand), terms of address, enjoying the routines and rituals of their connection, … The choices are endless.


To Close

I believe that you cannot have a sustainable and healthy relationship (D/s or otherwise) if you don’t have a care for these minimum rights and responsibilities. Some of these rights are enduring, and do not end with the relationship. For instance the protection from social harm: all those private pictures should always remain private!

Because of the intensity of the dynamic, the end can be disorientating and emotionally devastating. In that event, you both have a responsibility to make the separation – however bitter and angry it becomes – as bearable as possible by not raising the spectre of betraying your enduring responsibilities to each other.

Most pairings will have other rights, expect other responsibilities to be respected. That will be how you show care in your relationships. Communication is, as always, the key.

I’m aware many will disagree, and I encourage you to comment.


© Charles Rochester 2016

 

Thoughts On Happy

Happy is important. But happy isn’t about a destination. Happy is about a journey. It’s about how you feel right now. What you want in your life is overall for there to be more happy than not happy. More times that you feel happy than that you don’t.

Nobody is ever going to get to a stage where they feel happy all the time. And if you did, you wouldn’t recognise that you were happy because happy would become normal. So we all need those times that are the contrast to happy. That’s nothing to feel bad about. We all need those times when things didn’t quite work out the way we expected them to, wanted them to. It’s okay, it’s not a disaster, it’s just today. And it’ll help you appreciate the happy when it’s there.

So what do we do to be happy? We find out what or who it is that fulfils us, makes us feel good. And we do our best to get more of them. And we look at the things that don’t make us feel good, and do our best to have less of that.

If I can be horribly patronising for a moment, the things that make us feel less good are all modern life things: the stresses, the busy, the running around, the having no time to do the things you know make you feel good.

Not being happy is really just the absence of the things that make you happy. So to be happy, what you need is to make sure that as often as possible you get to indulge those things.

In D/s we get lucky, because one of the things we can indulge in that make us happy is subspace. She can put herself in the hands of her Dom, and he can take away all those stresses and strains of the day to day slog. You could spend your time driving from one place to another, and there’s a block on the wall of stress. You can be at work and idiot colleagues can put another block on that wall. I love my kids, but bloody hell, they’re another block on that wall of stress.

So you find yourself a great Dom, one you can trust with the deepest parts of you, and you put yourself in his hands as often as he’ll take you. And you let him knock that wall down, take those blocks away and turn them to dust, cast them to the wind. So when he’s done, you have none of that stress, none of those worries. He’s taken it out of you. All that driving, all those idiots, all the day-to-day worries. Gone.

If you can do that, if you can find someone who you trust, who cares for you, who will take those things away from you, and if the way he takes down his wall of stress is by taking your worries away, and watching the transformation of his sub as the pure, unencumbered essence of her emerges from under those stresses, then between you is a thing of beauty to cherish.

But the longer you go without it, the more weighed down by the world you’ll be. The more unsure you’ll feel, the more worried you’ll feel, the less confident you’ll feel. The less like you you’ll feel.

And then will come the moment you both save each other again.

Be happy. Find what makes you happy, and get it as often as you can, from the person who knows how to give you the happiness the way you need.


© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On The Commitment To Care

One of my heroes is Muhammad Ali. Not for his boxing, or his self-sacrificial stand for his principles, not for his famous quote about “Impossible” (although that is good). It was for his answer when Michael Parkinson asked him what he’d have been if he hadn’t been a boxer.

“I don’t know what I’d have been, but I’d have been the best at it. If I was a garbage man, I’d have emptied more garbage cans than anyone else”

It’s about commitment to your chosen path. A commitment that puts the hyperbolic “I’ve given it 1000%, Simon” of X-Factor contestants in the stupid box where it belongs. You set yourself a goal and never stint on achieving it. Every decision you make supports that goal.

If I may blow my own trumpet for a moment (none of you are patients, so I hope you’ll forgive the arrogance), I’m great at my job. Not because of a natural talent but because of the effort. I didn’t just learn what I had to learn, I read around my subject, found out so much context just in case I might need it. The difference between compression injuries from bad landings with a circular parachute and a rectangular parachute, for instance.

Only when I leave the clinic for the last time will I know whether all that extra information is useful. (Okay, the parachutes is a bad example that, unbelievably, came up 14 years ago.) I’m always asking questions, always trying to find out new knowledge that I’ll probably never use. Because one day, I just might.

It’s the same with being a Dominant. I do my best to know everything I can to get the best understanding I can of my sub’s life, of her mind. Maybe the context of what she did last week or last month will be useful in supporting and caring for her, maybe not. I’ll only know later, but if I don’t find out that context, then how am I making an effort to understand her?

If a girl is giving her submission, she should expect no less than all the time and effort you can give. If she isn’t worth the time and effort, then let her find someone who recognises that she is. There may be times when she feels monitored, or under scrutiny. It’s your responsibility as a Dom to recognise why that might be, and act accordingly. There’s a fine line between paying attention and smothering, take care not to cross it!


© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On The Deadly Seven – 7: Lust

Lust. The intense and uncontrolled desire for another.

Lust

Say it out loud. It’s almost onomatopoeic.

In Dante’s Inferno, unforgiven souls of the sin of lust are blown about in a restless hurricane, the winds symbolic of their own lack of self-control to their lustful passions in earthly life.

Hell, yes. If you’re not overtaken by lust, you’re with the wrong person. If your passion doesn’t, at least at times, make you feel that you’re being blown around in its hurricane-like winds, taken along uncontrollably in its grasp, then what are you doing with yourself?

Part of being a Dominant, for me at least, is about enabling my sub to become lost in the violent bluster of passion, to sink into subspace and be carried along by her passion, by me. That she can drop into that place so swiftly, trusting me to keep her safe against the wind is part of the point, part of what I strive to achieve for her.

The great sweeping away by passion, to indulge the moment, and have her Dominant indulge in the moment, in her pleasing him, being given the ability to do that while giving him responsibility for how she is carried away, for her safety while she is taken by his lust is a great joy for a sub, and a lasting fulfilment for both sub and her Dominant.

To be lustful for my sub, to feel an overwhelming desire to take her by the hair and take her orgasm as soon as she steps into our privacy, having to contain that lust at other times is almost a form of edging!

To feel such lust is to feel that hurricane building on the horizon when we’re apart, growing in intensity, having to hold back the storm. But having the authority to unleash it when we’re together, her submitting to my direction of it as she gives herself to me and the tempest we feel, is truly not something to condemn.

That lust, that control and submission, that girl, all truly things of beauty.

Verdict: Guilty as sin


All of The Deadly Seven

© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On The Deadly Seven – 6: Gluttony

Gluttony: The excessive overconsumption, overindulgence in something. In one of your desires. You were gluttonous for it, you were lustful for it, now you have it, you’re going to have as much of it as you can.

The word derives from the Latin gluttire, meaning to gulp down or swallow.

In a literal sense, I do like to gulp down The Girl’s wet. Just as she needs me deep inside her, that’s my way of getting her deep inside me, making her, through her wet, physically a part of me. I cannot get enough of it, despite how much I can draw from her. A glutton for her? Yes.

I know she overindulges in me, in what I do with her body. I know that because her body will simply shut down in a faint, unable to cling to consciousness. And when she wakes, I make her do it again and again.

Do I overindulge in her, my desire for her? I don’t lose consciousness, but when the opportunity presents, when we have enough time, I do take from her everything I can physically take, everything she will give. And from time to time that will include things that I’ve not been able to take before, but in our desire and fulfilment we’ve pushed back her limits. Meaning there’s more to take.

Gluttony? With more and more to take, and taking it all, I’d say I can’t really defend myself against the charge.

Verdict: Guilty as sin


All of The Deadly Seven

© Charles Rochester 2016