Thoughts On Name Calling

Slut, whore, bitch.

I’ve long said that using loaded words for your sub is a bad thing, something that demeans and humiliates, attacks your sub’s self esteem, the very thing you should strive as a Dom to enhance.

This opinion has been informed and supported by two of my former subs.

But more recently, I’ve gained an appreciation for using them (There’s even a story about it coming up on Monday). So what’s caused this change?

Simple: A subtle shift in my perception of them.

As always it’s about her needs. Many subs feel not demeaned by the words, but empowered to behave accordingly for their Dom. And there’s the key.

If you try to insult me by telling me I have three heads, or that I’m stupid, or a bad Dom, or accuse me of things I haven’t done, I might be confused where you got that impression, or wonder why you’re motivated to accuse me in that way, or decide you’re not someone I want to talk to anymore. But the words won’t hurt – because I know there’s no truth in them.

The power to hurt with words only exists if they strike at a truth. Particularly a truth that you find uncomfortable.

If you’re not a slut, to be called a slut by your Dom – a man who cares for you and protects you, and the only man you engage sexually with either in play or in words – will free you to behave for him in a way those outside your bond may consider slutty. But it won’t hurt you at all, because you both know that you’re not a slut.

If you are a slut, to be called a slut by someone you’re playing with who isn’t your Dom (maybe when you’re bent over his car bonnet) is going to hurt, because you feel the truth of it.

If you’re called a slut by your Dom, when you engage sexually with others behind his back, it’s going to hurt because you feel the truth of your indiscriminate favour. It feels like an accusation, not because it is, but because of your self image.

Words hurt when they cut too close to the bone. Too close to the self realisation. When they highlight a truth about you that you want to deny even to yourself. You cannot slutshame someone who doesn’t already believe they’re a slut.

If you behave like a slut only for him, and your behaviour outside your bond is unimpeachable, then the same words free you to release your hidden desires. And that means you don’t have to lie about those desires. And that means you’re more likely to have them fulfilled.

It’s the difference between A slut, and YOUR slut. But even then, if you’re focussed on the second word of “My slut” instead of the first, you have to ask yourself why.

When I was begged to “Make me your slut,” and told “I’m your slut,” I hesitated. But I realised it was about how we interact and about freeing her to engage in that interaction without guilt or the feelings of being demeaned that I had thought it might lead to. It was the opposite. Why? Because she has self confidence, that she’s not a slut and she knows it. And knows I know it.


© Charles Rochester 2016

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11 thoughts on “Thoughts On Name Calling

      • It’s ironic to me that the voice of sound reason ( yours) comes from someone who prefers a style of sexuality / loving that the general public would look at as shameful or wrong, just as ignorant, under-developed males and females look shamefully on women who enjoy sex in any way that goes outside of the Little House on the Prairie days. (That was a show about prairie days where roles were very specific and traditional. Anyway, like you said, as long as you know that I know that you know I’m not a slut…I’ll do just about anything. The moment I sense a real and deep judgement of demeaning condescension, I’m no longer on your side. It takes a smart man and a smart woman, imo.

      • I know all about Laura Ingalls!

        That’s the point, so long as neither of you believe there’s any truth in it, why would someone (particularly someone from our community) have a problem?
        That said, I’ve only come to feel this way about name calling, courtesy of a recent experience. Horses for courses. Each to their own and YKINMK and all that.

      • Everything seems to always come down to ourselves and knowing ourselves and respecting others to know themselves while we allow differences. Basically – no rules but to respect each other. what’s YKINMK?

  1. Hmm. I have a slight concern that this post does slutshame. Being a slut is only a bad thing to people who judge sexual activity/promiscuity. I know several who if called a slut would say yes and proud of their autonomy in their sexuality.

    • Oh there’s absolutely no intention to slutshame on my part. The thought that the name hurts if the receiver feels there’s truth in it places that judgement in her mind. It’s a self image thing. I have no problem with those who identify as sluts, they own the name in a different, equally empowering way.

  2. Yes, yes, yes– knowing that i am HIS slut, cunt and whore launches me into the space He desires and i need. It is indeed empowering rather than humiliating for me and an affirmation of the vessel He continues to create. 💜

  3. I couldn’t agree more with this. As a 26 year old woman trying to find my way in this Dom/Sub world I can’t (and don’t want to) escape, it is so good to read something that really speaks to me. I like being called those things in the bedroom because I feel like it gives me permission to act like that – without having to actually use my own agency to do so. It’s similar psychologically to why so many women who like vanilla sex have rape fantasies – I read that it isn’t about actually being forced into sex with someone you don’t like, it’s about being given permission to enjoy the sex without feeling like a slut. If you’ve repeatedly said no, and then it happens anyway, how can that be your fault? By definition you had no control – you might have just let three guys fuck you and spit on you and call you names, but you didn’t LET them do it – because you said ‘no’. So any enjoyment you feel isn’t something to be ashamed of, because none of it was your choice. It’s incredibly liberating in a lot of ways for me personally. Obviously it should go without saying that I do not condone actual rape in the real world – that is about power and control and has balls all to do with trusting, erotic sexual play. But yes basically thank you so much for sharing 🙂

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