Thoughts On Trophies

Before blocking the person in question, I had a lot of back and forth on the TL earlier this month over whether I was “Shoving things under people’s noses” by blogging my thoughts. Notably those since mid-May. I thought this was a bizarre thing to say. Particularly considering the way many others use their twitter to do just that.

The first thing that occurred to me was “What the hell else do you expect me to blog?” Someone else’s thoughts? Or just the thoughts you consider acceptable, palatable, part of a received truth?

But it got me thinking about “shoving things under people’s noses” and whether I do it.

I was reminded of a conversation I had in September that I think was pertinent, and sheds light on why I blog the way I do. I’ve blogged many thoughts over the last 20 months or so. I’ve also blogged stories about my former muse, and posted #SinfulSunday pictures of me, of her and of us together.

I made a deliberate choice right at the start to do that on here, and not on twitter. There were a number of reasons for that. the main three are simple:

By writing on a blog and posting the link to twitter, it gives people a choice whether to read or not. Posting the link is saying “Here it is, if you want.” If I just spewed the stories and pictures out on twitter, then that would be shoving it under people’s noses. It’s saying “Here it is, you can’t avoid it.” What I do is the opposite of shoving it under your nose. I give you a choice.

On the blog I have a certain amount of control. For instance, now the muse is no more, I’ve been able to be respectful and remove the stories and pictures. That would be rather harder if I had to go back through 18 months of twitter and delete what would be thousands of tweets one by one!

I also wasn’t posting the stories and pictures to brag. And that brings me back to the conversation I had in September.

My sub of the time had taken an unfortunate detour from her path. One of the things she had been concerned about was the detour’s attitude to having her submission. She felt that in being so obvious about being in a relationship with her, making public claims of ownership on twitter (something she said overstepped the limits of their agreement, although despite offering it to me to read on a number of occasions, it never quite materialised) that he was more interested in how it looked to other people that she was with him, than being interested in her as a person.

She felt objectified, that he was showing off, bragging. That he was essentially saying “Hey, everybody, look what I get to use.” My muse used to complain about people who treated us as a couple on the TL, even those who’d met with us as a couple. This using-her-as-a-trophy was something she felt very uncomfortable about, and I was happy the blog ensured an extra layer of separation from our day to day interactions with others.

She valued the discretion, although in hindsight there may have been an nefarious motive for that, too. But she was never a cheap attention seeker, so it wasn’t important to her to parade our relationship in front of everybody so obviously.

For me, a girl’s submission isn’t a trophy, something to shove under people’s noses to brag about. So I preferred to keep the stories and pictures in a place people had to choose to read them. What’s important to me about a girl’s submission isn’t how it makes me look, it’s about how it makes me feel. It was enough for me to cherish the girl and her submission, without having to shout about it.

After all, if what’s important is the two of you, why the need to shove it under people’s noses? But if it’s for show, you’ve got to ask what you’re in the relationship for. What your other is in the relationship for. Is it for you as a person, or for you as a trophy, an object to parade in front of others and brag about? Or worse, advertise them.

© Charles Rochester 2016


Thoughts On Sniping

People use twitter for all sorts of things. One of those is sniping at others.

My favourite kind of sniper account is the political satire accounts. The successful ones tend to be funny, clever and fun. They continue the long tradition of satirising our politicians, but do it in very short, curt tweets instead of cartoons or stand up.

My least favourite are those that reveal the unhappiness or bad character of the tweeter.

Very often on twitter, as people’s lives change and adapt their manner changes, too. After a change of their circumstances, they view things in a different way. If they’re unhappy and insecure they may find that instead of seeking the answer to their own unhappiness, they seek to make others unhappy instead, targeting their sniping at whatever target they can find.

Some readers might feel that I’ve fallen into this category in the last couple of months. I’d disagree. Any sniping has been quite targeted. And has been less about dragging someone down, and more about opening their eyes – and there has been very little – although much too that the target might incidentally relate to. But then, as they can’t [legitimately] see my twitter anyway (and certainly wouldn’t have spies, oh no!) it’s not a factor.

The sort I’m talking about is the sniping that – maybe along with the constant doing down of one person by insult, innuendo and suggestion – is done from the church steeple at passers by. Perhaps people you’ve known and liked before (or just sniped about in private). Any slip up – grammar, content or style, even a position in a perceived hierarchy – is attacked. Or worse, someone who takes the attention away from the sniper.

This is at its core no different to playground politics. “Annoy me, and I’ll pillory you to anyone who’ll listen. It’s all about me, me, ME!!” It exists because those who do it – usually in a clique they hope to reinforce – are unhappy, insecure, and rather than find a way to be happier and more secure, will try to tear others down, make them unhappy too, and show what will happen to you if you dare cross them.

It’s narcissistic, controlling and manipulative.

Worst when apropos of nothing they subtweet along the lines of “Just fuck off.” Who are they subtweeting? Is it you, is it me, is it someone else? Best stay on your toes!

It’s particularly sad to see it from people who haven’t done it before. It shouts loudly that they’re unhappy now, and need to shore up their own self confidence and self belief. The trouble is, the only way to do that is to change the choice they made that is undermining those things.

We’re all on twitter to express ourselves. That expression is going to take many forms and have much variation: pictures, blogs, poetry and talk. If you care about people, you may want to raise your concerns the only way you can, but if you’re secure and happy in your choices and expression, you have no need to publicly snipe and make others feel bad about theirs.

Twitter is a safe place to express.
If you don’t like how people express themselves, don’t follow them.
If you don’t like what they express, don’t follow them.

But don’t be one of the insecure, manipulative kids in the playground. We all know they end up with no friends except each other. Because people don’t like the way they express themselves and you’ll find other people unfollowing you just as simply. Which at least will give you another chance for misanthropic sniping at them.

If you’re unhappy with your choices and your life, don’t go around and around in your little cul-de-sac, reinforcing that choice, bitching away on the TL and in DMs, trying to convince yourself of what you crave. Change your choice – that’s allowed. Make yourself happy again.

It’s a better choice than making other people miserable.

© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On Name Calling

Slut, whore, bitch.

I’ve long said that using loaded words for your sub is a bad thing, something that demeans and humiliates, attacks your sub’s self esteem, the very thing you should strive as a Dom to enhance.

This opinion has been informed and supported by two of my former subs.

But more recently, I’ve gained an appreciation for using them (There’s even a story about it coming up on Monday). So what’s caused this change?

Simple: A subtle shift in my perception of them.

As always it’s about her needs. Many subs feel not demeaned by the words, but empowered to behave accordingly for their Dom. And there’s the key.

If you try to insult me by telling me I have three heads, or that I’m stupid, or a bad Dom, or accuse me of things I haven’t done, I might be confused where you got that impression, or wonder why you’re motivated to accuse me in that way, or decide you’re not someone I want to talk to anymore. But the words won’t hurt – because I know there’s no truth in them.

The power to hurt with words only exists if they strike at a truth. Particularly a truth that you find uncomfortable.

If you’re not a slut, to be called a slut by your Dom – a man who cares for you and protects you, and the only man you engage sexually with either in play or in words – will free you to behave for him in a way those outside your bond may consider slutty. But it won’t hurt you at all, because you both know that you’re not a slut.

If you are a slut, to be called a slut by someone you’re playing with who isn’t your Dom (maybe when you’re bent over his car bonnet) is going to hurt, because you feel the truth of it.

If you’re called a slut by your Dom, when you engage sexually with others behind his back, it’s going to hurt because you feel the truth of your indiscriminate favour. It feels like an accusation, not because it is, but because of your self image.

Words hurt when they cut too close to the bone. Too close to the self realisation. When they highlight a truth about you that you want to deny even to yourself. You cannot slutshame someone who doesn’t already believe they’re a slut.

If you behave like a slut only for him, and your behaviour outside your bond is unimpeachable, then the same words free you to release your hidden desires. And that means you don’t have to lie about those desires. And that means you’re more likely to have them fulfilled.

It’s the difference between A slut, and YOUR slut. But even then, if you’re focussed on the second word of “My slut” instead of the first, you have to ask yourself why.

When I was begged to “Make me your slut,” and told “I’m your slut,” I hesitated. But I realised it was about how we interact and about freeing her to engage in that interaction without guilt or the feelings of being demeaned that I had thought it might lead to. It was the opposite. Why? Because she has self confidence, that she’s not a slut and she knows it. And knows I know it.

© Charles Rochester 2016