The last few weeks I’ve posted a lot of blogs about how relationships can stumble, or the things that can harm them.
I wrote them all in a flurry around the end of May/start of June, but waste not: want not!
Now that tranche is all out there, I wanted to round up with something positive. When you write blogs on a single subject, it can seem very consuming, like it’s a big thing. It must be to post a 7/800 word blog on it, yes?
Well, yes. But…
Nothing I’ve written recently about red flags is all that bad. I’ve not talked about abuse or spiteful intent, I’ve not talked about anything that is objectively wrong or bad. Just things I prefer in relationships that have, in some previous relationships not worked out as either of I’d hoped or expected.
But nothing I’ve written recently is a problem that can’t be solved with communication. Most of them stem from a lack of it, or a refusal of one of the people in the relationship to engage honestly in it.
As I said in another blog, these relationships just didn’t work out. There’s no blame to that. No anger, no bad feeling.
I said in a tweet (the day I’m writing this) I still have residual affection for most of my exes. That’s certainly true of my most recent ex. I shall cherish my memories of her. She was a fine submissive. I don’t believe she’ll find a Dom as suited to her needs as me again, but I hope she finds fulfilment. I believe she’ll have known which of these blogs were inspired by our break up and which weren’t, and she’ll have understood that there was no malice in them. I write this because one of her chums went into bat for her over a post she presumed may have been about my former sub. I’d remind that friend that I know her better than you, and I believe she’s fundamentally a good person. That although she will have detected some hurt, she’ll have known there was no anger for her in any of them.
But important to say these blogs weren’t necessarily about her, just that break ups and what can lead to them were on my mind when I was writing them a few weeks ago.
I’m confident she is caring enough to have felt sympathy for these blogs, not scorn for their writer. She’s better than that. She’s thoughtful enough to have recognised the occasional word of advice. And the one loud word of caution. And understanding enough to know why I needed to talk some of this through.
She’ll have cared, and not been shitty about it. She’s far better than that. At least she was.
Ultimately, as I said before, communication just broke down. She was on another path but accusing me of it. Knowing her as well as I do, I suspect she’s been in that “I must hate him and rage against him” phase. Partly to defend herself against her growing realisation of loss and partly to help convince herself she’s made the right choice. If she has been, I don’t begrudge her that. When she’s beyond it, perhaps she’ll be strong enough to try communicating again. Our last words were good and positive, as we deserved. She knows she can call. She knows she’ll need to. Because she knows she can trust my judgement.
I wish her well, and despite not looking since she asked me not to (and the knowledge that she asked me not to so she wouldn’t have to hide how very right I was since February), I know the same is true of her wish for me.
I’m very sad it ended the way it did, and I do still miss her and her constant presence in my life. Or at least I miss who she was with me.
© Charles Rochester 2016