Fake subs, Fake Doms…
I know, how judgemental am I? How conceited to even mention them, right? Who am I to judge who’s real and who’s fake?
In different situations we all moderate our behaviour to some degree. I act differently with patients than with my family and friends. We all compartmentalise and allow different people to see different sides to us.
Fundamentally I believe I stay the same person. Unless you are motivated to see something that isn’t there, then anyone I’ve spoken to on here or twitter, either TL or DM will know the same me I’ve been since before I started this blog. They will know what’s going on in my kink life, whether I’m in good spirits or poor, crucially whether I have a sub or not (though not necessarily who she is). Knowing those things mean I’m being respectful to the person I’m talking to and to my sub (if I have one). I’m not wasting anyone’s time if I’m unavailable and I’m not undermining my connection.
But different aspects of me come to the fore in those different environments. I may not tell everyone on twitter everything about me, just as I don’t tell all my patients everything about me. I’m discreet about certain parts of me with family and patients – hence my online anonymity. What I never do is masquerade as something I’m not.
Twitter is heavy with people pretending to be something they’re not. From a D/s point of view, it’s a rich hunting ground for Tops and Bottoms who want some rough sex, but can’t be bothered with all the actual Dominance and submission that – for me – makes it the fulfilling dynamic.
For ‘real’ Doms and subs, the physical side of the dynamic is merely one very intense expression of the relationship. The Dominance and submission doesn’t wane just because you’re out of the bedroom (or the kitchen, the car…). If anything, the desire exists to draw each other closer in the absence of physical presence.
None of this means that a sub is going to be submissive outside her bond (that would be as much a problem as it would be peculiar). Just as a Dominant isn’t going into work everyday and being “Domly” to everyone he meets. But it does mean that a submissive will never be fulfilled by being a Bottom to someone’s Top, and a Dominant won’t be satisfied by a Bottom, either.
For ‘fake’ Doms and subs, the physical is the thing. Giving yourself to be used or using someone for that act of gratification. This might appear to some to be about submission, or portrayed by a predator that way to gain a sub’s interest, but it is the superficial submission of the body to be used to please another (or two or three others at once), not submission in a D/s sense. A sub will feel used, not fulfilled by it. She will not float, but sink.
There is of course absolutely nothing wrong with being a Top or a Bottom and getting honest fulfilment from your counterpart in that way. Good on you for recognising your needs and seeking out someone with complementary needs. That’s what all the honest people want. My concern is when the desire is wrapped in the mask of D/s and the person being seduced believes you are something you’re not – believes they are getting a Dom or a sub, or believes they are being offered a submission experience.
That’s fakery. You’re faking that you’re one thing to get what you want, with no intention of delivering your side of the D/s ‘bargain’. Needs change, too, as journeys progress. You might find yourself in a relationship with a Dom or a sub, and find that really, you’re a Top or a Bottom and the rest of the D/s is a bit of a chore. This is the time for that all important communication.
Pretending you’re something you’re not to get laid the way you want is not just fakery, it’s abuse. It’s predatory. And ultimately unfulfilling for everyone. Be honest about who you are and your needs, and everyone – including you – will be happier.
D/s? great. All about the fucks without the care and protection? Great. Just don’t pretend you’re one when you’re the other.
Was this post judgemental. Yes. The truth is we all can be judgemental from time to time, and the people we are judgemental about are those who portray themselves as sharing our own kink, when we can see they don’t.
© Charles Rochester 2016