Last October I wrote about care, and an occasion that my rather wonderful sub of the time had showed care in precisely the way I needed, and how her instinct to care was so perfect.
I wanted to show how capable she was of care by contrasting it with a time when a sub of mine showed how little she cared.
Me 4.10pm: I’m just feeling a bit sad, that’s all. You know me. I’ll snap out of it soon enough.
Her 4.11pm: Well I’m tired and hungover so this isn’t a good dynamic. I’m afraid I’ll have to leave you to it.
The lack of care in these messages is palpable. I’d expressed sadness, and was told to go and deal with it myself. As red flags go, that’s a pretty big one!
The thing that struck me most was that she didn’t even bother to fake it. It would’ve been a quicker message to write “Oh no, that’s awful. I’m here for you.” She had taken the longer path to say “So what?”
There were things I should’ve taken from that message that I didn’t. In my need to care, I took it as her cry for help, that she was feeling so low she needed me. In truth that may have been the best thing she could’ve done for me in that moment. But I don’t think she was doing it deliberately (although I’d love to be wrong).
In hindsight, I think the thing I should’ve taken from that message was “I don’t care about you.”
I keep that lesson with me in more recent relationships. If I feel I need my sub to show care in a way she isn’t at the moment, I simply say so. I always strive to ensure I say so in a constructive way, and hope that it is seen as such, though we all fail in our goals sometimes.
The real lesson is, if they don’t care anymore, don’t be angry or blameful, it’s just, as I’ve said before, that you failed to keep their interest and attention. Recognise it and try to move on, retaining if they will allow, a positive friendship.
Some might be angry at me posting this text exchange. But in truth, she’s wouldn’t be angry, just embarrassed at the exposure of her lack of care. The puncturing of her superficial image. I’ve not posted it for this reason, but to illustrate the difference between this girl, and the sub who supported me so perfectly last October.
© Charles Rochester 2016