The usual disclaimer: I’m giving my opinion, discussing my instinct. I’m not didactically telling anyone how to do things or saying it’s “The Right Way”. Just that it’s “My Way.”
In fact, I’d go further this time and say that in general terms, advocating against Safewords is the wrong way. I recognise that they’re an important feature for many (most) couples. Despite what I say in this blog, I’d encourage every sub to ensure they are in place before paying with a new Dom. Only later should give any thought to what I say here.
Safe words. They’re like condoms. Excellent advice, and absolutely essential. No one would advise you not to use them on every conceivable occasion (pun absolutely intended). But I don’t use either. Why? Because I don’t fuck people I don’t trust, and I don’t want someone to fuck me if they don’t trust me, either.
I’ve no need for barrier contraception if we’re both disease free and only fucking each other. Trusting that is the case is essential for me, and the fact I’ve never had an STD shows I’ve chosen well, or at least known in time when that choice is no longer appropriate.
It’s the same for safe words.
I get it “Oh god, no. Stop. I can’t take any more!” Can be a turn on for both of you.
It’s role playing non-consent, and that can be fun at times. Consensual non-consent play requires a safeword to replace “No” and “Stop”. A sub has to trust that the safeword will be respected.
But I was brought up with No means No.
“No” isn’t just a word. It comes from body language. My sub could shout no. Beg me to stop and I believe I’d know if she meant it. But she doesn’t. She wouldn’t say no, or ask me to stop unless she meant it. It would mean I’d miscalculated, misjudged her readiness. She is quite capable of saying “No”. But so far I haven’t misjudged or miscalculated, so she’s never had to stop me.
I suppose what this comes down to is that “No” and “Stop” are our safewords. My sub trusts I’ll respect her “No”. But more than that she trusts I won’t put her in a position of having to say no in the first place. We have no need for other words because our play isn’t about the imposition or taking of Dominance by force. Our play is about the use of force as an exercise of that Dominance that is already deeply established within a trust that I wouldn’t betray. That’s made possible by knowing her better than anyone else, because of the time I’ve put in.
Perhaps at times this had led me to progress her slowly, needing to be certain that she is ready for limits to be overcome. But it has enabled us to overcome those limits seamlessly and naturally.
© Charles Rochester 2016