Thoughts On Happy

Happy is important. But happy isn’t about a destination. Happy is about a journey. It’s about how you feel right now. What you want in your life is overall for there to be more happy than not happy. More times that you feel happy than that you don’t.

Nobody is ever going to get to a stage where they feel happy all the time. And if you did, you wouldn’t recognise that you were happy because happy would become normal. So we all need those times that are the contrast to happy. That’s nothing to feel bad about. We all need those times when things didn’t quite work out the way we expected them to, wanted them to. It’s okay, it’s not a disaster, it’s just today. And it’ll help you appreciate the happy when it’s there.

So what do we do to be happy? We find out what or who it is that fulfils us, makes us feel good. And we do our best to get more of them. And we look at the things that don’t make us feel good, and do our best to have less of that.

If I can be horribly patronising for a moment, the things that make us feel less good are all modern life things: the stresses, the busy, the running around, the having no time to do the things you know make you feel good.

Not being happy is really just the absence of the things that make you happy. So to be happy, what you need is to make sure that as often as possible you get to indulge those things.

In D/s we get lucky, because one of the things we can indulge in that make us happy is subspace. She can put herself in the hands of her Dom, and he can take away all those stresses and strains of the day to day slog. You could spend your time driving from one place to another, and there’s a block on the wall of stress. You can be at work and idiot colleagues can put another block on that wall. I love my kids, but bloody hell, they’re another block on that wall of stress.

So you find yourself a great Dom, one you can trust with the deepest parts of you, and you put yourself in his hands as often as he’ll take you. And you let him knock that wall down, take those blocks away and turn them to dust, cast them to the wind. So when he’s done, you have none of that stress, none of those worries. He’s taken it out of you. All that driving, all those idiots, all the day-to-day worries. Gone.

If you can do that, if you can find someone who you trust, who cares for you, who will take those things away from you, and if the way he takes down his wall of stress is by taking your worries away, and watching the transformation of his sub as the pure, unencumbered essence of her emerges from under those stresses, then between you is a thing of beauty to cherish.

But the longer you go without it, the more weighed down by the world you’ll be. The more unsure you’ll feel, the more worried you’ll feel, the less confident you’ll feel. The less like you you’ll feel.

And then will come the moment you both save each other again.

Be happy. Find what makes you happy, and get it as often as you can, from the person who knows how to give you the happiness the way you need.

© Charles Rochester 2016


Thoughts On The Commitment To Care

One of my heroes is Muhammad Ali. Not for his boxing, or his self-sacrificial stand for his principles, not for his famous quote about “Impossible” (although that is good). It was for his answer when Michael Parkinson asked him what he’d have been if he hadn’t been a boxer.

“I don’t know what I’d have been, but I’d have been the best at it. If I was a garbage man, I’d have emptied more garbage cans than anyone else”

It’s about commitment to your chosen path. A commitment that puts the hyperbolic “I’ve given it 1000%, Simon” of X-Factor contestants in the stupid box where it belongs. You set yourself a goal and never stint on achieving it. Every decision you make supports that goal.

If I may blow my own trumpet for a moment (none of you are patients, so I hope you’ll forgive the arrogance), I’m great at my job. Not because of a natural talent but because of the effort. I didn’t just learn what I had to learn, I read around my subject, found out so much context just in case I might need it. The difference between compression injuries from bad landings with a circular parachute and a rectangular parachute, for instance.

Only when I leave the clinic for the last time will I know whether all that extra information is useful. (Okay, the parachutes is a bad example that, unbelievably, came up 14 years ago.) I’m always asking questions, always trying to find out new knowledge that I’ll probably never use. Because one day, I just might.

It’s the same with being a Dominant. I do my best to know everything I can to get the best understanding I can of my sub’s life, of her mind. Maybe the context of what she did last week or last month will be useful in supporting and caring for her, maybe not. I’ll only know later, but if I don’t find out that context, then how am I making an effort to understand her?

If a girl is giving her submission, she should expect no less than all the time and effort you can give. If she isn’t worth the time and effort, then let her find someone who recognises that she is. There may be times when she feels monitored, or under scrutiny. It’s your responsibility as a Dom to recognise why that might be, and act accordingly. There’s a fine line between paying attention and smothering, take care not to cross it!

© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On The Imperative

Just before I took my Easter break from blogging (it’s difficult to get my head into it when I’m surrounded by my kids!) I saw a conversation between Jim (@TomWatched) and Constance (@PigletParker) That had been triggered by this tweet:

There was quite a bit of to and fro, and it was, understandably, a little prickly. So I wanted to explain what is going on with Constance’s graphs and why they are as they are.

I’m writing this without passing any value judgement on what I’m saying. Nor on the motivation of whoever compiled the graphs in the first place, using just this one element. I’m not arguing that it’s right or wrong, defensible or otherwise. I’m merely sharing what I know…

Millions of years of evolution have programmed men and women to be attracted to particular traits. Men are programmed by thousands of generations of evolution to be attracted to women who are fit and healthy, and so able to deliver them a healthy child with good genes. They are attracted to women who will be alive and vital long enough to raise that child and nurture that child to maturity. We’ve been programmed by natural selection to recognise certain proxies for “healthy” and “good genes”. We recognise women with good skin and good health as being genetically good. We recognise young as being a proxy for “going to live long enough to raise a child”.

That’s why, in general, men are attracted to young-looking, fit, healthy women. It serves our reproductive success. What we consider “Beautiful” has been conditioned by those factors.

If the graph were for “Are men attracted to women with good skin” it would also tell us what we already know: men prefer clear smooth skin to spotty, pustulating, dry or scabby. Billion dollar industries exist because of this.

For women, it’s different. Their reproductive success has to be much more discriminating. Women have, biologically, fewer goes at it (and yes, for right or wrong, that’s the origin of the double standard). Most importantly survival success is enhanced by selecting a partner who, as well as being healthy and of “good genetic stock” has resources and status. A partner who has survived well into their fourth or fifth decade and is still looking good. Having a degree of wealth, financial security, loyalty, and education serve as proxy indicators to the characteristics that support a woman’s reproductive success. They are attracted to men who will look after them, care for them and not screw them over.

The graphs in Constance’s tweet focus solely on age as a characteristic. And show exactly what we would expect: men are attracted to younger, healthier, fitter women. And women are attracted to men of a comparable age or slightly older. I think that’s what you would expect without having to do a survey to find it out.

But if the graphs focused solely on another characteristic, or better still, on the range of the many factors that play a part in attraction, they’d tell a much more rounded story. Most readers of this blog have likely evolved their self-awareness and knowledge of their needs and desires beyond such a narrow consideration. But there is a bulk of society where trivial indicators are more important.

It wouldn’t surprise me to discover that whoever commissioned this study did so with the intent of trying to make men look bad. There can be little reason to isolate one characteristic and present it in this way otherwise.

© Charles Rochester 2016