We all make choices everyday.
We’re free to make those choices as we see fit. What we’re not free from are the outcomes of those choices. Your choices might be perfectly reasonable ones, but you still have to take responsibility for them.
There’s a small but noisy community that in condemning homosexuals often refer to them as having made a choice to be gay. It’s always a joy seeing them challenged with the question “When did you choose to be straight?” If you’re very lucky you can see the light come on in their head. Usually you can just enjoy the struggle as they try to come up with an answer that doesn’t damn their own argument.
In more enlightened, less bigoted, society we understand that homosexuality isn’t a choice. It’s just how you are. No different to how I am as a straight man. Sure, you can choose whether you act on being straight or being gay. You can choose whether you have sex, and who it’s with. That’s a choice: whether to have a gay relationship or to stay in the closet, pretend to be straight and maybe end up having a deeply unfulfilling, slightly revolting relationship that you see as acceptable to your friends and family. Maybe it’ll be a relationship that’s rewarding and fulfilling in a different way. But it’s your choice and I hope that most readers of sex blogs would absolutely support the choice you make for yourself.
Thankfully, as a society, we’re moving past the necessity for gays to stay in the closet. Moving, not yet moved, sadly.
But wait… “No different to how I am as a straight man,”? Except I’m not a straight man. I’m a dominant man. It’s just how I am. Sure I can choose whether to be in a D/s relationship, or whether I can stay in the closet and have deeply unfulfilling vanilla relationships. That would be my choice, too.
I choose to express my nature. But in truth, except among members of the kink community, my brother and a few very close friends I’m still in the D/s closet.
Like many on twitter, my account is anonymous. I tell myself that I have to have it that way for family and professional reasons. After all, my female patients might all have concerns about undressing in my clinic if they knew I was an active Dominant man. They might think I want to tie them up and cane them, right? (In leafy moneyed London hinterland, this isn’t so farfetched!) My clinic might suffer. So might my custody. In what way is that any different to the fear of misunderstanding that gays had until recently? Still have in some less enlightened communities?
Is my Dominance a choice?
No and yes. No, I have no choice about being Dominant. It’s who I am. I was born this way, although it took me a few decades to recognise it. Looking back it was always there. I imagine many reading this will identify with that.
Yes, I choose to express it rather than live without it, and I am lucky to have a wonderful submissive who enables me to be fulfilled in my expression of it. Why should I choose any differently?
Like being gay, the sex is just the most visually accessible part of it. The bit people see when they type BDSM or Ds into a pornsite’s search box. But it’s not only about who or how we fuck. It’s about who and how we relate to each other. That’s why choosing to keep it in the closet is such a challenge.
How long do you think it’ll be before vanillas accept BDSM or swinging with the same shrug of the shoulders and an “okay” that (most) straight people greet gay comings-out? When to we get our Pride march, our liberation?
© Charles Rochester 2016