Thoughts On The Deadly Seven – 7: Lust

Lust. The intense and uncontrolled desire for another.

Lust

Say it out loud. It’s almost onomatopoeic.

In Dante’s Inferno, unforgiven souls of the sin of lust are blown about in a restless hurricane, the winds symbolic of their own lack of self-control to their lustful passions in earthly life.

Hell, yes. If you’re not overtaken by lust, you’re with the wrong person. If your passion doesn’t, at least at times, make you feel that you’re being blown around in its hurricane-like winds, taken along uncontrollably in its grasp, then what are you doing with yourself?

Part of being a Dominant, for me at least, is about enabling my sub to become lost in the violent bluster of passion, to sink into subspace and be carried along by her passion, by me. That she can drop into that place so swiftly, trusting me to keep her safe against the wind is part of the point, part of what I strive to achieve for her.

The great sweeping away by passion, to indulge the moment, and have her Dominant indulge in the moment, in her pleasing him, being given the ability to do that while giving him responsibility for how she is carried away, for her safety while she is taken by his lust is a great joy for a sub, and a lasting fulfilment for both sub and her Dominant.

To be lustful for my sub, to feel an overwhelming desire to take her by the hair and take her orgasm as soon as she steps into our privacy, having to contain that lust at other times is almost a form of edging!

To feel such lust is to feel that hurricane building on the horizon when we’re apart, growing in intensity, having to hold back the storm. But having the authority to unleash it when we’re together, her submitting to my direction of it as she gives herself to me and the tempest we feel, is truly not something to condemn.

That lust, that control and submission, that girl, all truly things of beauty.

Verdict: Guilty as sin


All of The Deadly Seven

© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On The Deadly Seven – 6: Gluttony

Gluttony: The excessive overconsumption, overindulgence in something. In one of your desires. You were gluttonous for it, you were lustful for it, now you have it, you’re going to have as much of it as you can.

The word derives from the Latin gluttire, meaning to gulp down or swallow.

In a literal sense, I do like to gulp down The Girl’s wet. Just as she needs me deep inside her, that’s my way of getting her deep inside me, making her, through her wet, physically a part of me. I cannot get enough of it, despite how much I can draw from her. A glutton for her? Yes.

I know she overindulges in me, in what I do with her body. I know that because her body will simply shut down in a faint, unable to cling to consciousness. And when she wakes, I make her do it again and again.

Do I overindulge in her, my desire for her? I don’t lose consciousness, but when the opportunity presents, when we have enough time, I do take from her everything I can physically take, everything she will give. And from time to time that will include things that I’ve not been able to take before, but in our desire and fulfilment we’ve pushed back her limits. Meaning there’s more to take.

Gluttony? With more and more to take, and taking it all, I’d say I can’t really defend myself against the charge.

Verdict: Guilty as sin


All of The Deadly Seven

© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On The Deadly Seven – 5: Greed

Greed: The wanting of something. Not the tempestuous want of lust, but a controlled, directed want that drives you to get it.

Avarice

It’s another sin of excess, those churchy types really like the whole self-denial thing, don’t they?

I’m greedy. I confess.

I’m greedy for her, for her arousal, for her body, for the pleasure I can take from it, and take in it. Greedy for her wet, for her orgasms, for her wet, greedy to reward her for how she pleases me with my orgasms.

I’m greedy for her eyes, the look in them when her instinct overwhelms her and she is compelled to obey, the look when she comes, for the way they drift and cloud over when she faints. Greedy for her subspace.

I’m greedy for her worries and troubles. I want them, I want to take them from her. I’m greedy for her joys and successes, for us to share them.

I’m greedy for the many ways she pleases me, greedy for the things she does for me that mean I can tell her she’s a good girl, my good girl. Greedy for the satisfaction and fulfilment she gets from pleasing me, and the corresponding fulfilment I get from being pleased. Greedy to care for her needs in all the ways her submission allows.

I’m greedy for her submission that allows me to steadily push back her boundaries, grow her experience and ability to please me. Greedy for her eagerness, for the way she’s greedy for more…

Above all, I’m greedy for her time, greedy to care for her, greedy for HER.

I can’t get enough.

Verdict: Guilty as sin


All of The Deadly Seven

© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On The Deadly Seven – 4: Sloth

Sloth: Laziness, sometimes defined as physical laziness, but the original intention was about spiritual laziness, a failure to develop your whole self.

Sloth has also been defined as a failure to do things that one should do. By this definition, evil exists when good people fail to act. But I’m reminded of the Billie Holliday song “The Very Thought Of You” (sung here by Rod Stewart)

Quite gentle for a deadly sin, but those lines at the start …and I forget to do/ the little ordinary things/ that everyone ought to do… sum up the way I’m distracted perfectly.

We often say that we’re all on a journey. A self discovery and growing to be the best you that you can be. It comes down to the question: What are the things that I ought to do? If they are the things that make me a better me, then perhaps it’s up to me to decide what they should be. I’m a good Dominant, I’m a good Dad, and I’m good at my job. If I didn’t believe that, I’d be taking the time to make myself better at them. Those are things I ought to do.

In my job I follow a process called Reflective Practise – periodically I go back over the things I do and look at them with a critical eye. The objective isn’t to pat myself on the back and reassure myself that I’m fantastic. It’s to wheedle out the things I could do better and work out how.

I’ve found it such a useful learning tool that I try to apply it to the other aspects of my life. It’s true that spending a little time every now and then dwelling on all the things I don’t do as well as I could can be a bit depressing, at worst can make me feel like a failure. But I’m lucky that I have enough self-confidence to be able to ride it out, and I truly believe it makes me better. Better at my job, better at being a Dad, and a better Dominant for my sub.

Oughtn’t I do that? Damn right I ought to. My patients deserve my best, my kids deserve my best, and my sub deserves my best, too.

So if she inspires me to be a better man, what are the things I ought to do that she makes me forget to do? Beats me.

Verdict: Not guilty


All of The Deadly Seven

© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On The Deadly Seven – 3: Envy

Envy, like greed and lust, is characterized by an insatiable desire. Envy is the opposite of pride, a malcontented comparison of your own status, abilities, or rewards. The difference with simple jealousy is that the envious also desire the thing that their jealousy is directed at.

Do I get jealous? Yes, of course I do. I see someone in an E-Type drive past with the roof down and I think, “Wow, I’d like one of those!” Am I envious of the driver? Not really. I’d like to drive an E-Type, but I don’t want the hassle or the responsibility of owning one. I used to have an XJS. Loved it so much I bought a second one a few years later. I’m envious of XJS drivers because I really REALLY want another. I won’t really like my driving experience until I get one. (Yes, I’m always on the look out for the right one: a pre-1992 5.3 litre V12, in regency red with cream leather interior and 19″ lattice wheels. If you know of one going?).

I hate my current car. I’m not even going to tell you what it is. I only got it because after the bus crashed into my last one it was lent to me, and I eventually thought, fuck it, I might as well buy it. It falls into the large category of cars that are “Not-an-XJS” It could be anything, so it might as well be that one.

Jealousy and envy in relationships are different. I have what I want, so why would I be envious of something else? Jealous? Perhaps of her time and her attention, but a wish to be her focus is a normal and non-threatening part of caring for someone, of being in a relationship. If it were to cross over into an envy, that would be destructive, I think that would be a cause for concern for everyone involved. That’s why the sin is envy, not jealousy.

Verdict: It probably depends on your perspective.

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All of The Deadly Seven

© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On The Deadly Seven – 2: Pride

Pride (which in latin is the magnificent word “superbia“) is considered the original and most serious of the seven deadly sins, because it is the source of all the others.

You may not have noticed, but I have an abundance of Pride. I am proud. I am prideful.

Pride in my sub and her achievements in her life, both before she met me and since she first offered her submission to me.

I am proud of her progress with me, how much she’s learned, how eagerly she’s learned it and her dedication to her journey. I’m proud of how she submits, and when she gives me one of the sacred acts of submission, I am filled to bursting with pride.

But I’m proud not just that she chooses to submit, but also that she chooses to submit to me. Her devotion inspires greater and greater effort from me, an effort that I’m proud to offer. My Dominance of her, the manner in which I dominate her is also something I’m proud of. The way I care for her, the way she responds to that care, the way that has enabled my part in her growth and successes.

Is this boasting? Does this prideful splurge make you feel I’m arrogant? Perhaps. Do I have any right to feel so proud? This whole blog tells you what I’m like, what she’s like, what we’re like together and whether that boast is warranted. But perhaps it’s fair enough to feel a little put back reading such a raw statement of pride. I wouldn’t usually say all this so starkly, of course, and perhaps that’s the real sin: not pride, but boastfulness.

On the other hand, my sub deserves to know how proud I am of her, and that such an unselfconscious statement of pride in her doesn’t make me feel awkward or uncomfortable at all. I have a lot to be proud of in her. I hope every Dom would feel the same about their sub.

Verdict: Guilty, and I don’t care who knows it.


All of The Deadly Seven

© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On The Choice

We all make choices everyday.

We’re free to make those choices as we see fit. What we’re not free from are the outcomes of those choices. Your choices might be perfectly reasonable ones, but you still have to take responsibility for them.

There’s a small but noisy community that in condemning homosexuals often refer to them as having made a choice to be gay. It’s always a joy seeing them challenged with the question “When did you choose to be straight?” If you’re very lucky you can see the light come on in their head. Usually you can just enjoy the struggle as they try to come up with an answer that doesn’t damn their own argument.

In more enlightened, less bigoted, society we understand that homosexuality isn’t a choice. It’s just how you are. No different to how I am as a straight man. Sure, you can choose whether you act on being straight or being gay. You can choose whether you have sex, and who it’s with. That’s a choice: whether to have a gay relationship or to stay in the closet, pretend to be straight and maybe end up having a deeply unfulfilling, slightly revolting relationship that you see as acceptable to your friends and family. Maybe it’ll be a relationship that’s rewarding and fulfilling in a different way. But it’s your choice and I hope that most readers of sex blogs would absolutely support the choice you make for yourself.

Thankfully, as a society, we’re moving past the necessity for gays to stay in the closet. Moving, not yet moved, sadly.

But wait… “No different to how I am as a straight man,”? Except I’m not a straight man. I’m a dominant man. It’s just how I am. Sure I can choose whether to be in a D/s relationship, or whether I can stay in the closet and have deeply unfulfilling vanilla relationships. That would be my choice, too.

I choose to express my nature. But in truth, except among members of the kink community, my brother and a few very close friends I’m still in the D/s closet.

Like many on twitter, my account is anonymous. I tell myself that I have to have it that way for family and professional reasons. After all, my female patients might all have concerns about undressing in my clinic if they knew I was an active Dominant man. They might think I want to tie them up and cane them, right? (In leafy moneyed London hinterland, this isn’t so farfetched!) My clinic might suffer. So might my custody. In what way is that any different to the fear of misunderstanding that gays had until recently? Still have in some less enlightened communities?

Is my Dominance a choice?

No and yes. No, I have no choice about being Dominant. It’s who I am. I was born this way, although it took me a few decades to recognise it. Looking back it was always there. I imagine many reading this will identify with that.

Yes, I choose to express it rather than live without it, and I am lucky to have a wonderful submissive who enables me to be fulfilled in my expression of it. Why should I choose any differently?

Like being gay, the sex is just the most visually accessible part of it. The bit people see when they type BDSM or Ds into a pornsite’s search box. But it’s not only about who or how we fuck. It’s about who and how we relate to each other. That’s why choosing to keep it in the closet is such a challenge.

How long do you think it’ll be before vanillas accept BDSM or swinging with the same shrug of the shoulders and an “okay” that (most) straight people greet gay comings-out? When to we get our Pride march, our liberation?


© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On The Deadly Seven – 1: Wrath

Wrath Another uncontrolled emotion, like Lust and Greed. Wrath is an overwhelming hatred and anger.

Okay, I confess (if that’s not bad choice of words considering the whole religious framework of the origin of these sins) On this sin, I agree. Wrath, pure hatred and anger, is nothing but self destructive. It poisons you, casts a shadow over everything you do.

With the arrogance of youth I used to have a list. There were only two people on it. People who had crossed me, angered me. People I would, should the opportunity present, gleefully destroy. In the small hours of the morning, I’d imagine their faces as they realised it was me, my revenge, and there was nothing they could do to stop their comeuppance.

It was only when an ex did something pretty unpleasant because of her (as yet formally undiagnosed) mental illness that I realised I’d forgiven her a long time before, and I felt good for it, that I understood that harbouring those bad feelings for the other two people (not exes, incidentally, shudder) had absolutely no effect on them at all. They probably never thought about me. It was only my wrath that was keeping those events alive.

Most importantly, I believe that anger is something a Dominant shouldn’t allow himself to show to his sub. She should never be on the receiving end of his anger, nor see him on the occasions he’s angry with others. This isn’t just about vanity and only showing your best side, there’s a far more important reason.

If a Dominant can’t control his anger, if he allows it to control him, there may always be the concern in his sub that one day, maybe this time, he’ll spank her with anger. Bound and helpless, she’d be defenceless against his abuse, his release of rage. While I’m not saying that would happen with any Dominant who’s ever lost his temper, I want my sub to know without any doubt or hesitation that it will never happen to her. That she can put herself in my hands with absolute knowledge that the stinging contacts on her bottom are for her, that there’ll never be more than she needs, and that my part in it is joy, fun and sexual gratification. Not anger.

She needs to know that when I take it out of her, take it out on her, I’m in control.

Verdict: Not guilty – I feel I’ve let the sinful side down.


All of The Deadly Seven

© Charles Rochester 2016