Thoughts On Virginity

What does it even mean?

There was a question milling around twitter earlier this week about virginity. I have a problem with virginity. It’s not that I have a problem with the concept, it’s that I have a problem with the definition.

To answer questions about virginity you have to decide what it actually is. It’s one of those words that is considered to be so obvious that nobody ever seems to think about it.

It’s when you first had sex, right?

When you’re a teenage boy you know exactly what that means: it was the first time I had sex, I put my cock into a girl’s cunt and I came. But that’s surely an incredibly narrow definition of virginity. Do you have to come to lose your virginity? Does that mean one of you can lose your virginity and not the other at the same time? I’m pretty sure the girl I was with didn’t come. But she lost her virginity, too. So orgasm isn’t part of the definition. At least not for girls. And why should it be a different standard for men?

What if I had sex but didn’t come? Would I have lost my virginity? Of course I would’ve told my friends that I had, but it would’ve been a disappointing cherry-popping, even more than they usually are. Truly anti-climactic!

So if it’s just about penetration and not orgasm, should anal sex count? I think most people would be viewed as pushing the definition to its limit if they claimed to be a virgin but had enjoyed anal sex with a number of partners. Would it be the same for men? If teenage me had anal sex with my girlfriend, but not vaginal sex, would I still be a virgin or not? If I had anal sex with my boyfriend I wouldn’t be. If I’d been the bottom, I wouldn’t be. So why would a girl be?

Certainly I would think that anal sex would fail any of the mediaeval purity tests that some cultures expect and “virginity” originally represented. Although in Bible Belt America, anal sex is often considered a get out clause, enabling young couples to have sex without the technicality of losing virginity. I would think that that’s cheating on the definition a little.

But then what are we saying about the definition of virginity if anal sex for heterosexuals counts as losing your virginity just as it surely does in the gay community? Does that mean any penetration with or without orgasm means you’ve “lost it”? Why not oral sex, then? That’s one person’s cock inside somebody else and (maybe) coming, right?

Even if we decided on the definition as any penile penetration, what about female couples? Are we saying they can’t do anything that “counts as actual sex” just because they don’t have a willy between them?

It seems that we all have a unthought-out notion of what we think virginity is, and we all have a pretty clear idea of the occasion that “counts” for our own maraschino moment.

So it’s not even a simple mechanical calculation of “Woohoo, it’s in!”.

And we have to ask ourselves about the types of sex we having, because I think it’s fair to say that the kind of sex I have now is the same order of magnitude different to the sort of sex I was having as a teenager, as it is to a teenage hand job.

Ultimately, I take issue with the idea of “Losing your virginity.” Sex in all its forms is great. I love it. Oral, anal, vaginal, hands, mouths, tongues…. My life is enhanced by it, not diminished. So what exactly did I lose by having it? Whatever I decide “it” is!

© Charles Rochester 2016



Thoughts On Blow Jobs For Girls

I read a great piece by Malin James: The Joy Of Sucking Cock, and thought I’d write a similar one about the sheer delight of going down on a girl. But I very quickly came up against a bit of a sticking point. What language to use.

Fellatio, Cunnilingus…
Sucking off, Licking out…
Blow job/Throatfuck/facefuck, Ummm… What?

Why isn’t there a good ‘filth’ word or phrase for cunnilingus. There’s the ghastly “licking out” to go with “sucking off” which are supposedly descriptive of the act, thought not really (not if you’re doing it right, anyway). They’re also fine for teenagers, but they’re hardly a delightfully salacious partner to Blow Job, Deep Throat, Facefuck, or throatfuck.

It can’t be difficult, surely? Why haven’t we, as english speakers come up with a good name for this yet? I put out a couple of calls on twitter to see if anyone had a good name, but after many suggestions there just isn’t one that, like Blow Job, brings to mind the great abandon of giving it everything you’ve got, no holding back, no regard for mess or personal safety, just making it as good as it can be.

It’s something I enjoy enormously (and I’m going to write the blog post this was going to be!), but why haven’t I got a name for it?

Any more suggestions….?

© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On The Sacred Acts Of Submission

The usual disclaimer: I’m giving my opinion, discussing my instinct. I’m not didactically telling anyone else how to do things, how they should do things, or saying it’s “The Right Way”.  Just that it’s “My Way.”

There’s a visceral sensation I feel when The Girl does certain things. My knowledge of physiology tells me it’s a massive surge of adrenalin, endorphins and oxytocin. But the sensation is overwhelming, deep, primal. A welling up inside me of everything I feel for her along with an acute heightening of the need to care, to keep her safe, to tell her how important she is.

I feel it when she’s chosen to express her submission in that moment in one of the ways I can only describe as sacred.

She knows I want them from her, knows they will be accepted with deep gratitude, love for them. But she does them because she needs to for her and because of the fulfilment she gets from them, and from pleasing me so deeply. But not ever because I’ve asked her to. Because I’ve never demanded them.

As ‘Sacred Acts’ they exist solely between us. If she were to discuss doing these for someone else, I would consider that faithless. If she could contemplate doing them for someone else, then I’d feel our bond would be broken. Perhaps irreparably. After all, as her Dom, I couldn’t discuss another girl kneeling for me, or wearing my collar. Even in theory. If she could discuss kneeling to someone else, then she wouldn’t see our connection in the way she does. Lucky for me she wouldn’t.

If they make me feel so good, why don’t I instruct her to do them? Simple: If they were on demand, or done as a routine they would lose their power. They invoke that powerful feeling in me, that connection between us, precisely because they are her choice, her need. Just as her submission is.


The Girl and I use titles for each other, to the degree that they are our names as much as those in our passports. On the TL we use a set that we reserve for each other, but they are not the titles we use in private. Neither of us asked to be called by those titles. We both earned them. We both wanted to call the other by them. If I’d demanded that I be called “My Lord,” [No, it’s not that, but I’m not saying what it is] then calling me that would be an act of obedience, an expectation. The Girl calls me what she does because that’s how she feels. That’s why it means something.

Wearing Her Day Collar

When The Girl accepted her Day Collar, I made it clear she was never obliged to wear it. That she should wear it only when she chose, for whatever reason she had at the time. She knows it pleases me when she does, and that it was carefully chosen to be one she could wear even around vanilla friends and family without being conspicuous. Even then, it’s so she can feel the safety and security of our bond. Feel my care at any time.

Again, if she were obliged to wear it all the time then the wearing of it would be an act of obedience. By letting her choose, and ensuring she doesn’t wear it all the time, she is more aware of it around her neck when she does. The wearing retains its significance beyond the initial acceptance. Because it’s with that same acceptance that she puts it on each time. Having it on never becomes mundane or routine.

Kneeling In Submission

Of course, I tell her to kneel for some reasons, but the act of kneeling in submission as she does in a recent Sinful Sunday post is entirely her choice to make, her way of expressing to me a feeling, a need in her to submit to me. A clear, unequivocal restatement, reassurance and reinforcement of our connection and dynamic.

I’m very lucky and very pleased that she kneels for me as often as she does. She understands that whatever else is happening, even if it’s something I’ve instructed, everything stops to allow her to kneel, her desire to do so for me takes precedence. There’s no more powerful way to demonstrate her submission that doing it on her own compulsion, no more powerful way to confirm my acceptance of that submission. These are moments I find it increasingly close to impossible to end.

By ensuring these Sacred Acts are her prerogative, hers to give at her discretion, I know that when she does give them they mean everything they’re supposed to mean. By never demanding them, she has an opportunity to show me her submission is as deep, as powerful and as current as it ever has been. She can show me she feels it now, not just from an inertia. That the need to wear my collar and kneel to me is as strong as ever, and comes from her.


© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On Routine And Ritual

We all have routines in our lives. We get up, we go to work, we collect the kids from school, we eat, we do whatever we do to relax and then go to bed.

Some routines are tighter. We say good morning when we wake, goodnight before bed…

At some point a routine crosses a threshold and through exact repetition becomes something else, something that is done with a precision. A Ritual.

The Ritual is an important element of a D/s relationship. Even if it is as simple as a “call and response” – I say this, you answer with that. It’s an expression of connection that remains under every circumstance, even if a pair have had a disagreement, or are upset by something, when their communication is faltering, the call-and-response remains as a reassurance, an anchor for you both that’s nurtured in good times to get you through the the wobble, to remind you how strong your connection is, that you both care.

It says “We’ve had a bad day, but I’m still here. I’m still yours.” After all, tomorrow is another day.

Routines don’t have quite the same power. Just because you say goodnight every night, if you say it in slightly different ways every night, then saying it isn’t a “you two” thing. But saying it as part of a ritual has the power of reassurance. A power that can be turned on its head by not observing the ritual.

There are many opportunities for Rituals n D/s. The names you use for each other, how you greet each other, how a girl submits and how a man accepts her submission. How you undress, how you bind your sub, whether you need permission from your Dom to come and how you ask…

Rituals are important, but have too many and like a church service it’s going to become dusty and staid. An unvarying relationship by numbers. So while one or two can perform the valuable role of a core foundation during times you’re apart, too many can become unthinking.

I often say in these blog posts “This is just my way, I’m not trying to say how it should be for you.” But on Rituals, I’d encourage you to let one or two evolve. Don’t force it. You’ll not know what’s become a Ritual until it slips. Once you know, nurture it.

© Charles Rochester 2016

Thoughts On Need And Neediness

Need, good. Neediness bad. Right?

There’s a phrase which periodically does the rounds on twitter:

A sub needs to be wanted, a Dom wants to be needed.

How terribly manly: “I don’t need, I just want.” The D/s dynamic is all about the freedom to express need and have your needs recognised and fulfilled. I need. I don’t want to be needed – I don’t need to be needed in an abstract way. I need her to need me. Does that make me needy? I don’t think so, I think acknowledging that makes me honest. I think if I told her all the time I’d sound needy, so I don’t do that. But I don’t need to tell her all the time: She meets that need. I’ve told her about that need, so she knows. She doesn’t need me to tell her all the time, either. I show it in how I care for her.

In the same way, I know I’m needed. I know she needs me. She shows me she needs me in the way she depends on me, relies on me, leans on me for support and care every day, seeks my approval, my praise. She also tells me she needs me in a way I don’t tell her. But this is an expression of the asymmetry of the dynamic, part of the power exchange. It’s also part of her recognition of my need to hear it from time to time. And my need to always know her needs, and understand them better and better.

Is she ever needy? Yes. Why would anyone interpret that as bad? Neediness isn’t bad, it’s an expression of the depth of connection a sub has for her Dom and a recognition that she knows her Dom will understand and want to meet her needs.

So where does the idea that need is good and neediness bad come from?

At the risk of incurring vanilla wrath, I think it may come from the vanilla complaint “You’re so needy,” which is used by those who don’t feel a compulsion to ensure needs are met, those who would shirk their responsibility. It’s used to inhibit the expression of need for fear of being considered demanding. There’s a disturbing abusive control to it. A refusal to acknowledge that the ‘needy’ person is trying to express that their needs aren’t being met, a clear statement that their needs aren’t reasonable (but, oh, keep meeting mine).

In D/s we don’t need to engage in relationship power struggles of that nature. We recognise the power dynamic, the exchange. We recognise the impact on our demands and responsibilities. Accepting the responsibility to meet that demand is what a Dom does when he accepts a girl’s submission. Taking the demands and needs of a sub and making them his own is what a Dom does. If she’s needy, he feels a need to meet her needs. And not for any contractual reason, it’s not a chore (as the ‘you’re so needy’ accuser would feel), it’s a compulsion, a joy, a fulfilment for him. That’s a big part of what he brings to the relationship. Why would a sub offer herself to satisfy his needs if he doesn’t feel her needs as intently as she does, and isn’t driven to meet those needs with as much enthusiasm and without restriction?

The time I am needy is when I feel I’m not meeting her needs. I feel a deep urge to meet them, and if I can’t for whatever reason then yes, I get needy to do that. For her.

Originally on twitter

© Charles Rochester 2016


Thoughts On Consistency

One of the aspects of Dominance that I struggle with is consistency.

Consistency is important. Vital, even. If a Dom says he’ll do something, he must do it. He can’t shirk his responsibility however hard it might be, or his sub will never know where she stands: Will he do as he said or not? Is he disappointed or not?  Is this one of the times that she won’t receive correction, or one of the times she will?

If a pair agree to something, then it’s a Dom’s responsibility to be consistent in how that something is managed.

For a Dom to be reliable, he must be consistent.

And there lays my struggle. There are times when I don’t want to be consistent, times when I want to just ignore that a task hasn’t been done, or that a ritual hasn’t played out. In particular there may be times when there’s a very good reason why a task wasn’t delivered or ritual wasn’t followed. Or an event that’s so worth celebrating that it far outweighs any disappointment in the tasks not being done.

For those times when his sub needs to be focussed on something else, a responsible Dom should have alternatives in place, a free pass, trades perhaps, so that she has a way to show her care while focussing fully on the ‘something else’.

And there are times when circumstances make it impossible. It’s my opinion that tasks must always be achievable, and a recognition that circumstances made it impossible doesn’t make a Dom inconsistent, it makes him compassionate. And if those circumstances are going to be frequent, it’s his responsibility to propose changes to the task or to the rules around it.

But those impossible times aside, even when there’s reason why the tasks were neglected, if they were possible and no trade or pass was agreed, then in being consistent a Dom has no choice but to follow through on the sanction. And that’s disappointing for me.

Why? What about an occasion when there is something big to celebrate? Something you want to show how proud and pleased you are? You don’t want to burst a bubble, but by the same token to be seen as reliable, then you have to be consistent.

It’s a delicate balancing act, and one that I know I’ve not always got right. And when I don’t then I’m the most disappointing thing of all.

© Charles Rochester 2016