More Thoughts On Breasts

Breasts. Boobs. Tits. Norks. Baps. Paps. Gazongas. Knockers. Chest. Bosom. Bust. Decolletage. Hooters. Headlights. Cleavage. Sweater puppies. Poppadoodles. Jugs. Tatty bojangles. Funbags, Bazookas. Breasticles…

There’s no point pretending we don’t love them. We like to look at them, hell, we often end up talking to them!

But why? What is it about them that we find so appealing? We’re hard wired to like them, be attracted to them. It’s an evolved behaviour. And it’s no surprise when you know what they’re for…

Breastfeeding, right? Wrong. Well, not completely wrong, but mostly.

All mammals have breasts, but they mature during pregnancy just in time for the breastfeeding. Those of you who’ve been pregnant will be familiar with the way your breasts enlarge and change during pregnancy as they prepare for the job ahead. In all other mammals, that’s the first time breasts develop. They don’t develop as secondary sexual characteristics in puberty. So why do we, exclusively in the animal kingdom, have them from puberty onward? The answer is simple: All other primates, from monkeys on, use their bottoms to indicate sexual maturity and fertility. Which is easy if you’re on all fours (yes please), but not if you’re upright on two legs going about your day-to-day. When you stand up and face me like that, I can’t see your bottom anymore. (Believe me, this upsets me.)

So when pre-humans like Australopithecus afarensis stood up and started wandering around Lake Turkana (see, I know what I’m talking about), they needed another indicator of female sexual maturity. What better than something that mimics the shape and feel of the pre-existing indicator: her bottom? Except something right there in front of us that flushes when you’re aroused?

Humans evolved breasts as a secondary sexual characteristic because men can’t see women’s bottoms well enough.

So, controversially, apart from the few years that you’re feeding our children, breasts are, in fact, there for men. For us to see, to admire, to desire you.

May I take this opportunity to say thank you, and then raise my eyes back to your face.

The Original Thoughts On Breasts

© Charles Rochester 2015


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