In the world of D/s the possessive pronoun takes on an additional and very personal meaning. The expression becomes one not of identifying an association: “my girlfriend/ boyfriend”, but one of ownership. Particularly when it’s used with certain loaded descriptors: “my girl“, “my good girl“, “My Baby“, come to mind.
Between two it’s an expression of dominance, love, care as well as ownership.
In the open (on a Twitter timeline, for instance) there are other ways that it can be used. A few of my followers use it as a term of address “My Sir/my sub“, these are people who are openly in exclusive relationships, and that’s entirely appropriate: a term of affection.
Sometimes those in relationships choose to use it in private only, the discretion of their privacy being more important that the open, public expression.
Sometimes, though, it is used by those not in relationships yet or at the start of them, but effectively used in the same way. Other times those who are eager to own someone will use it to dip their toe in the water, so to speak, to try and create an impression through repetition either to the object of desire or to crowd others out. Either are pretty underhand, but easy to see coming.
In D/s, you can only belong to one Dom at a time, and only reasonably care fully for one sub at a time also.
When I see the personal pronouns being bandied around as general terms, used as a term of address to a girl who hasn’t given you her submission, it’s also being used as an exclusive term, but in the sense that the user is trying to exclude others. To try to “alpha male” or intimidate them out of the way. “She’s mine, back off“.
I find this deeply inappropriate and disrespectful.
The beauty of D/s is to free a sub from her emotional, psychological, social bounds. To liberate her from society’s expectations and conditioning. The possession she offers when she submits, the responsibility her Dom accepts, the physical bonds he may use to restrain her, all exist to facilitate her personal freedom and self-realisation.
So I don’t believe a man should express ownership over a girl unless she’s explicitly offered him that status. It may be that you’d like that status, and like to discourage others from seeking it, but it must be her choice, not yours.
Unless you have agreed that such a possession – ultimately something private and supremely personal – is something you both wish others to know, you’re being indiscreet, too. It’s the sort of thing even I wouldn’t say or ask to say after half a year of priority. Crucially, it’s so innocuous, a passing “My…” that the person you’re laying a claim of ownership over won’t mention it, won’t say “Hang on, you don’t own me…” because they might rationalise it as a slip of the tongue or nothing significant, and why make a fuss?
But it’s a subtle sophisticated game, get away with it once and you’ll start to do it more and more. The repeated claim becoming the norm, others backing off, the claimed sub getting used to the term…
I would argue, in fact I have argued, that anyone claiming ownership before it’s been explicity offered and accepted, is not Dominant, but bossy, arrogant, presumptive, entirely unsuitable.
Other men will easily spot this game, perhaps because we’ve shamefully played it ourselves in the past before we grew out of it, but often – unless they’ve been caught out by it before – even very clever and self-possessed women won’t see it. Worse, they might have been told about it and still not see it. Thinking that the “My…” is just a throwaway, doesn’t-mean-anything-but-is-a-nice-sentiment comment. That’s the trap.
Then there are girls who will themselves misinterpret your claim of possession, feel that she holds a privileged position, someone you led to believe you’d guide and mentor, only to find that she is just another Twitter account you sometimes call “My girl”
Then there’s the more ephemeral matter of devaluing the term through overuse. Like the people who say “I love you” a dozen times a day. The term loses its value, loses the ability to elicit the emotional response it’s intended to generate.
So before you use the term “My- “, ask yourself if they really are yours. If that status has been specifically offered. If the claim is reasonable, or if you’re showboating, or just being blindly inappropriate.
And if someone uses the term on you, in a public space, ask yourself why. Because it is never throwaway, never without intent.
When I say “Mine,” I do it privately. I’m accepting ownership of responsibility for you, I’m accepting your submission. Above all, it’s a promise that you come first: because you’re Mine.
And when you reply “Yours…” It elicits in me the same response. A deep emotional reaction, an irresistible pull on our bond. Smile.
It’s a special term. One felt deeply by those for whom it means something. If you are the Dom you say you are, you should know better than to bandy terms of ownership around on Twitter so freely.
© Charles Rochester 2015