Thoughts On Blogging

I started this blog six months ago. I was encouraged by a few of my followers on twitter, and I thought I’d be lucky to get a couple of dozen readers each month to share my filthy thoughts.

I wanted to just pop up this post to say thank you and to show you my excited #StatsPorn. I understand that you’ll all find this crashingly boring, but that’s why this isn’t my only post today, and I didn’t even bother putting it on twitter!

Each time I hit a landmark I get ridiculously excited. Mostly because when I started, I genuinely thought I’d get half a dozen views of each post. Maybe I’d hit double figures if I was lucky. So when I got a total of 100 views, then 1000, I was over the moon. Then in March I got 1000 in a month. In April, 2000.

I’m partly thrilled that people seem to enjoy what I write, and partly bewildered that you do. But please keep enjoying it. Definitely keep telling me when you enjoy it. Thank you.

Statistics up to the end of April 2015

Statistics up to the end of April 2015

And up to mid May. looks like another good month…

Statistics to Mid-May 2015

Statistics to Mid-May 2015

Okay, wanky self congratulatory posts done for 6 months.

Now go here and read some filth.

© Charles Rochester 2015


Thoughts On Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a pernicious form of abuse. It’s an attempt to make someone doubt their memory or perception of events, to wonder if what just happened really happened like that.

It often takes the form of simply denying that you remember right.

For instance, if the waiter in a restaurant brings you your steak well done and insists you asked for it to be cooked that way, when you know you asked for it to be rare, they are gaslighting you.
They made a mistake, but rather than admit it and put it right, they will blindly lie to your face and absolutely insist that you ordered it well done.

In this trivial instance you’ll know it’s bullshit and you’d simply call the manager.

But in a relationship when the person questioning your memory is very dear to you and very trusted by you it becomes easy over time to start to doubt your own recollection. You might start accepting their version of events to avoid hurting their feelings, even though you know your memory is right. After all, there’s no reason why someone who cares for you would constantly question you, surely? It must be an honest mistake on their part.

But as it goes on, over time you might start to doubt your own recollection, start to doubt your sanity. The abuse may mean the abuser simply doesn’t ever have to take responsibility for anything, or it may be intended to make you dependent.

It’s particularly galling when you have evidence of what really did happen, what you really said!

A few years ago a girl (who subsequently turned out to be crazy, not in the pejorative crazy-ex sense, but actually requiring quite strong medication) started trying to convince me that I had made promises that I hadn’t, done things that I hadn’t, not done things that I had.

This ultimately had potentially very serious consequences (which a couple of you know about). Fortunately for me, by then I had become an avid archivist of my conversations (well, the ones that can be archived!) so I was able to show her story was twaddle.

But it had been sophisticated, drawing in her friends and family to her bizarre alternative history, isolating me as the one person who reported the truth. Without those archives, I’d have been stuffed!

In fairness to her, it has subsequently transpired that she was ill and may have believed her own story.

True gaslighting – deliberate undermining of confidence in ones self – is a hallmark of someone who can comfortably exploit others, but will often be charming and convincing liars who consistently deny wrongdoing.

But how can you tell if you’re being gaslighted? Part of the point is to undermine your confidence in your own perception. Indeed sophisticated gaslighting can include accusations that you are the gaslighter!

Here are the signs:

  1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself because you feel you have to express yourself exactly right, to avoid misinterpretation?
  2. You keep questioning whether you’re “too sensitive?”
  3. You often feel confused about events or why someone could reach the conclusion that have.
  4. You’re always apologising to calm a situation, even though you’re sure you’ve done nothing wrong (even when you’ve re-read things)
  5. You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
  6. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior.
  7. You find yourself not telling friends and family things, so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
  8. You know something is wrong, but you can never quite express what it is.
  9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
  10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
  11. You have the sense that you used to be more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
  12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
  13. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
  14. You wonder if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/employee/friend…
  15. When you ask questions or express your feelings, you are often put on the defensive about something else (often a straw man).
  16. Difficult conversations or rows often descend into emotional manipulation “I guess I’m just not good enough for you…”, “Sorry I’m only doing my best…”

The good news is there’s something you can do about it. The way to resist it is to have confidence in your own recollection, and to reinforce that by routinely checking.

I’m lucky. I learned to archive, so if anyone ever questions or denies my memory of events, I’m in the happy position of being able to go back and check what was really said and done.

I hope I never find myself in the position again when I have to.

© Charles Rochester 2015

Thoughts On Blushing

The way when she blushes, her eyes flicker downwards as if she’s trying to hide the thoughts inside, the thoughts which made her cheeks flame. The shy bite of her lip trying to conceal the smile that she can’t suppress.

If a girl blushes and looks away, there’s a reason. There’s a thought in her mind that has overwhelmed her, taken her by surprise, perhaps. And it’s a thought of you. A thought she found looking in your eyes.

Blushing in this situation has the same physiological root as arousal. The dilation of capillaries in response to a flood of adrenalin, the flushing of blood to delicate tissues. Dilation of the pupil, fullness of the lips. And the wettening, the preparation. Blushing is a manifestation of arousal. Of course it has an effect on us when we see a girl, close to us, in our arms, blushing. It’s no wonder we find it indescribably attractive in a girl we’re already drawn to.

Not to mention the whole pink skin effect that I like so much. Utterly transfixing.

What exactly is behind those eyes? What is the thought, the image, the passion that has washed over her? Ask. Go on, If you’re very lucky, she’ll shake her head, look away more, and say she won’t tell you. Gasp “No!” losing the word in an embarrassed laugh.

I’m just remembering the last time she did this. In bed, in the middle of the afternoon, her head on the pillow facing me. She knows why.

I need you now. I need you. Now.

© Charles Rochester 2015

DomDespair, Anyone?

We’re supposed to be strong, your rock, unflappable, solid.

But there’s a chink in the armour. A flaw. One we have, one I’d argue if we don’t have then you should run from us. But we can’t speak of it, it is our weakness, one that rears its head just at the time you need the solidity.

The thing that dare not speak its name, is our feeling of loss and despair after we’ve enjoyed time with you. It coincides with SubDrop, happens at the same time. SubDrop, but for us. There’s a physical pain in our chest, a wrench, pulling us toward you. It’s a feeling of being utterly bereft. You’re gone.

We know you’re hurting, too. And that it was your time with us that has led to your drop. We’re not with you, so we’re unable to help while you’re crashing, but wanting nothing other than to hold you and tell you it’ll be alright, to tell you we’ve got you, to tell you you’re wonderful, you’re safe.

Any good man will always put his girl’s needs first. That’s what the dynamic is all about, after all. You rely on us for that. So we’ll be strong, be your rock, be unflappable, be solid. Because at that moment, that’s what you need from us. And that’s what we need to be for you.

And we can be, for one simple reason: You. That strength, that foundation we provide, that unshakability, we draw from your submission, your trust, you. Just as you find your peace at my feet, I find my peace in you.

We’re supposed to be strong, your rock, unflappable, solid.
For you, we are.

© Charles Rochester 2015