Come Softly To Me, And Do As I Say. On dominance, submission (and kittens)

Since an awful piece of fan-fiction got a little out of hand, there is, in pop-culture, a rather one dimensional idea of the relationship between Doms and subs. All relationships are different, of course, and I can only speak of my own opinions, so bear that in mind as I go on.

Unfortunately, too many boys think being a Dom is about bossing someone around, getting what they want. But the relationship should not, as pop-culture might lead people to believe, be one of sexual aggression, be disrespectful, or objectify women. Some women may be aroused by being the object of abuse, and that’s fine if that’s what they want. But that is not how a sub is treated by her Dom.

It is also not solely sexual. Far from it. I’d go so far as to say it isn’t even primarily sexual, just that the sexual side of it is the most obvious, visual side.

It’s more than that. It’s quite old fashioned in the manner that one partner takes charge, takes responsibility. In doing so he relieves a girl of her concerns, her worries. She knows he has taken care of life’s bothers: the bills, the decisions about utility providers, the humdrum. By taking responsibility he frees her of those concerns to express her Self. She finds her pleasure from pleasing him, just as he finds his from looking after her. This is not the aggressive, asymmetrical relationship that the short attention spans of pop-culture portray. This is a deep loving, trusting bond.

A truly dominant man wants to protect and respect his girl. She wants to know she’s desired and safe. Freed to be feminine, to be a purer expression of her character. If you don’t respect and care for your girl, let her know you desire her, appreciate her, want her, why would she stay? In turn she will have a real need and desire to make him happy.

This relationship is not childlike though. Taking care of someone, taking responsibility, trusting, loving and pleasing each other is the fundamental core of every functional relationship. The D/s couple merely distills and purifies this core to its essence.

She gives her submission, and he treasures her. He ensures she wants to stay by demanding what she wants to give, but maybe too shy to admit, even to herself. She gives what he demands, because she knows he would never demand something of her she cannot give.

She wants to relent and give him control of her. Mentally, emotionally and physically. To have control, he must have all three and her submission must be total. And in this totality, this ceases to be about sex, and becomes about life.

Sadly, it’s just that the sex, the pictures of girls in collars, or having their hair pulled, wrists bound, or bottoms spanked are so much easier to stick on the internet and describe in third rate vampire fan fiction.


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